Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hey Fit

Since you're still not receiving comments on your blog, I thought I might try sending a message via my blog. You know who you are. :) I hope you are ok and know that you are in my thoughts a lot....I'm praying for you. Please let us know how things are going and what you found out....have been thinking about you. I know things are hard, but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel....I'm sure of it. Take care, and many blessings to you my Canadian friend.   Love, Kim

Good Riddance Box

Ok, I totally saw this on TV...something they did in NY and my attempt to duplicate it won't be perfect but nevertheless, I'm hoping everyone will be onboard with this. Ok, anything that sucked about 2009...write it in a comment on my blog and say "Good Riddance" to it. My blog is not a shredder but we'll pretend it is...ok? So, all you lurkers and all of my known readers, feel free to get it off your chest....RE-LEASE!!! Say as many good riddances as you want! I'll go first....

I say good riddance to being so passive.
I say good riddance to belly rolls and other rolls...lol.
I say good riddance to financial hardship.
I say good riddance to people who pose as friends but are not truly friends.
I say good riddance to Sarah Palin.....seriously...enough already!!! Gah!
I say good riddance to the AFA....b/c you guys don't get all your facts straight and still aske me for money.Blah! Humbug!

C'est la vie

What are the limits...the boundaries in which we settle with what we have in life? Some would say never settle, some would say be grateful for what you have, and some people would simply say life is hard...and work with the hand you're dealt. As for me...I'm confused....and I live all these statements constantly.
   Recently, I was talking with an old friend from highschool. He asked me if I was happy and really hoped I was happy, b/c he said that it made him happy to know I'm happy. He said on Facebook it seems that I am rather fond of my life. I told him that I am fond of my life and everyday that we are still breathing is a blessing......and I was telling the truth, but not the whole truth. I did tell him that there were hard decisions I made when I don't think I was really old enough or wise enough to make such decisions. I've had to live with those decisions every day of my life....and I find myself constantly having to make more hard decisions as I get older....decisions I'm still not quite sure I'm wise enough to make.
   On my second date with my husband, he told me that Huntington's Disease runs in his family. Huntington's is a hereditary disease. If you have a parent who has it, then there is a 50% chance of you having it. My husband's mother died at the age of 54 of Huntington's. There is a 50% chance that he has it he told me. He wanted me to know upfront. Of course, me being the eternal optimist back then, told him that there's no way to know how each of us will die and it would be stupid of me not to continue our relationship based on what may be or may not be. Now I live in fear that my beautiful son may or may not have this disease later in life.
  Then I made another decision. My husband told me he did not believe in biracial marriage or biracial relationships....as for me, I'm basically colorblind. Before I met my husband, I generally didn't date American men....period. Recently I found out that my husband thinks that white people should be the only ones in presidency in this country b/c they are "the majority".  He told me nothing would ever change how he feels on this subject. Wanna know how I found this out? My brother recently started dating a sweet, sweet girl from Korea. My husband made a comment about it and from there we began arguing. I asked him if he remembers that our daughter is biracial. He said "It's not her fault". Whoa....I've still been chewing on this for weeks and weeks now. Back when I was younger, I just thought it was something we would agree to disagree on and now I have a bitter taste in my mouth all the time. I will say that my husband has been progressing...at least it seems. He let my brother and his girlfriend stay over for two nights and told her that she was welcome back anytime. I hope this is progress rather than him avoiding a fight.
   A good while back, I was asking my husband some intimate questions. He told me he doesn't feel the need to tell me about every little detail of his life....of course this raised a big red flag for me. I asked him if he'd ever been unfaithful. He told me no and diverted by bringing up something I had done in the past....he was livid. When the argument was over, he finally admitted that I had good reason to be suspicious about his statement. He just kept asking me "When would I ever have the time to cheat on you?" This has not been over for me....I still have a nagging feeling and I'm not quite sure what to do. I really feel like he's hiding something from me....yet I have no way of finding out. I catch him in stupid little lies a lot...who's to say he couldn't be telling bigger ones? Maybe I'm being paranoid??
  I finally decided one day to share with my husband some of my views on politics and religion. My views have changed a lot over the years and I felt compelled to share this with him. He told me in an exasperated tone that I am too "middle of the road" and the conversation ended. I no longer feel like I can share my views on anything....I feel intelligent when I speak to like minded individuals but feel like a dumbass when I speak with my husband...so I keep my mouth shut. Is it really so important that I get to share my views with my husband?? I don't know.  I do know what I feel....I feel like I have metamorphasized into someone different than the small town single mom my husband once knew.
   I will have to attend Independent Baptist churches for the rest of my marriage....which wouldn't be a bad thing if I didn't disagree with a lot of what they say. I will say that I do like the church we've been visiting, however, I know I will have to wear a mask there like I have to wear at all the other churches we attend. I have to be so careful with what I say on my Facebook....God forbid I post a status update that says I'm watching a rated R movie....or post any songs that aren't hymnals...b/c the preacher told me that I've been monitored by the one lady I have from the congregation on my friend list. Oh boy.
   I feel like my husband and I are not as intimate as we used to be. We used to talk about a lot of things...conversation is so limited now. And he has let me know in the past that I talk too much....so I try to control that now. We are currently arguing about intimacy. He dismissed my feelings on a particular matter and I told him he's being self-centered and selfish.....not sure if I'll stick to my guns. I usually try to patch things up after a while which will mean I'll probably apologize for calling him self-centered and selfish (sigh). Does this happen in all marriages? Do you compromise to keep the peace or let things blow over b/c it's just not worth arguing? I see marriages falling apart around me and sometimes I'm scared that my husband and I will outgrow eachother.
    I am fond of many things in my life. I love my children. I love that I get to stay home with them and homeschool. I'm thankful for a husband who provides the opportunity for me to do this. I'm thankful that my husband loves God. I'm thankful that my husband is helpful and values the meaning of family. I'm thankful that he helps me when I need it and he's a good father. I'm thankful that he understands that I need "me" time. I'm thankful for the times that my husband and I laugh together and thankful for when he's concerned about me. Am I settling?? I don't know. Am I working with the hand I was dealt? Yes...absolutely. Is it enough to work with what I was dealt? I don't know. What are the limits...the boundaries in which we settle with what we have in life? Do we measure our happiness? Do we continue the path for the ones we love? I just do not know.
  If I could go back and answer my friend's question again...I think maybe I'd have answered a little differently. I'd say, I am thankful for the good things that I have in my life b/c I know not everyone has "good things". I'd say that maybe I'm not completely satisfied with life and sometimes I'm very apprehensive about what tomorrow brings and how I'll cope with it. I'd say....I am dealing with as much optimism as I can muster but complaining about it on my blog when I have the chance. I would say everyday we are still breathing is a blessing. (smiles)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Southern Sickness

This past Friday my granny died....granny who never drove a day of her life, granny who didn't finish school, granny who only saw the ocean once, granny who at one time thought she had worms under her skin so she picked at her skin until she had sores all over her b/c she thought she was getting the worms out...granny who I never got extremely close to b/c my Dad didn't think we should be around my Mom's family much.
   My Mom's family lives in rural south Georgia. There are many pine trees, lots of open country, primitive churches, lots of teenage pregnancies, lots of illiteracy and lots of abuse. My mother lived in poverty when she was young and my Granny gave her up to an aunt and uncle when she was 14. That aunt and uncle took real good care of my mom, probably the reason why I am here today b/c chances are my mom would have ended up marrying a backwoods preacher or a drunk if she'd have stayed there.
   The latest drama in the family includes: a cousin who poisoned his mom and dad's cat, an aunt who is on so many prescription drugs that she hullucinates about people banging on her windows at night and helicopters flying over her house searching for members of an elite drug ring, a cousin who was in a car crash that killed people, a cousin who is taking care of her schizophrenic mom and schizophrenic sister, aunts who went to the nursing home immediately after my granny died to collect possessions that they gave her, my grandpa selling his prescription meds to young people, cousin who strips for a living and makes big bucks..........some of these things are true and some of them I hope are not true.
  When someone dies in my Mom's family, everyone comes together...which is a big deal considering my Mother is one of eleven children, I'm one of 23 grandchildren, and there are many great grandchildren. Yes, everyone gets together and sings old hymnals, talks about how Granny is finally in heaven, and gossips about the latest family scandals.
   I can't help but think that all of this is why religion is so strong in the rural south. Many people live depressing and wasteful lives. If they didn't have heaven and God to cling on to, what purpose would there be to their depressing lives?  My granny made babies but didn't take care of them much and my grandpa was an alcoholic...she sat by the window looking out letting the days pass by in her sorrow and she wrote poems about it. Here's one of them....I think she was a beautiful poet.

When I die please don't weep,

I am not dead, I'm only asleep;
My body will rise, when the trumpet blows,
And with my savior I shall go;
My Heavenly Host my Lord and Savior,
With him I shall live forever;
When I die please don't weep,
I am not dead I'm only asleep.
Asleep in Jesus,Oh how I yearn,
For my Lord and Savior to return;
He will gather His children both young and old,
Onto His bosom He shall hold.
So much glory, so much love,
Forever with Jesus in Heaven above

My Granny's poetry and her children are her only physical legacies she left behind.  They wept for her heavily regardless of the fact that most of them have extremely tattered lives. I suppose this is what family is and I suppose this is what having God means...being able to forgive and forget so they can come together to comfort eachother in times of sadness.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Such is the life of a SAHM

It's been a while, I know. I appreciate the messages while I've been away from my blog....the messages from my lurkers and from my frequent readers. I was busy for quite a while....

going to the fair...here's some pics I took...that's my daughter with our neighbor/her good friend.

then there were my daughter's many play rehearsals and 9 performances.....she was in Charlotte's Web... Here's my son eating goodies at the play.

My daughter played as one of the judges at the fair and a baby spider.
This mommy was so proud! This was her first time acting and it was for a real town theatre! :o)

Then there was soccer...

This pic was from last year, but you get the point.

Then there was.....

and no this was not my table setting (I wish I was this creative and colorful). LOL

Also, I've been reading a LOT. I've read 8 of the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris, My Sister's Keeper, Time Traveler's Wife, and now I'm reading The Lovely Bones. I go through novels like I change diapers....very many and all the time. lol Of course, I don't read just b/c I love to read....as I've stated before, I am a thinker. My brain is streaming thoughts constantly. Sometimes reading helps my brain stay tuned to a few channels rather than a gazillion. If I didn't read, there would be lots of blogging, but I'd never get anything done either. Sometimes my reading addiction interferes with things I have to do as well, but it's easier to take a break at a new chapter rather than taking a break in the middle of a paragraph I'm writing. Know what I mean?? So, now you are caught up with what's been going on in my life. I figured it's only fair since I've been able to read your wonderful new blog entries and I've put nothing out there for a while. There is more to come....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'm still alive...I promise :)


Just so you know, I am still alive and reading blogs. It's just been really busy. Homeschooling, couponing, cleaning, cooking, running my daughter to soccer, piano, and dress rehearsals for Charlotte's Web.....well...needless to say, I've had my hands full. I've got lots of ideas and things building up for some new blogs. I'm even thinking about creating a whole new blog alongside this one. I've got lots of ideas and just not enough time to do anything about it at the moment. I have been peeking time to time at the blogs I follow. I haven't had much time to leave comments, but know that all your blogs are still highly amusing and encouraging to me. :) Stay tuned, and as Arnold says, "I'll be back!". lol

Monday, October 19, 2009

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

Ok, so I know I haven't blogged in a while. There is a perfectly good excuse for this. I just haven't felt like it. My brain is constantly going.....all the time. This is why I'm so analytical. The thing about my brain constantly being busy, is that my brain gives out after a while. I need time to recharge mentally. I use this blog for those times when my brain is on overload...my emotions are overloaded, or if I just need to make sense of things by writing.
   Here lately, my husband has been reading the Bible again. He's been making changes and the changes have been good so far. He hasn't went into the mode of trying to push us all into submission.....he hasn't done that in a long time. This time he has been taking our family to heart. He's been humble and he's been leading us. We've been reading the Bible as a family, we've been praying as a family, and we've been spending more time together. Hell, we're even back in church! lol The church we're going to isn't even half bad so far. I'm not really sure what to make of all this considering my faith has been one long slide down a slippery slope (now say "long slide down a slippery slope" ten times as fast as you can...tongue twisty) in the past while. I'm just along for the ride....waiting and hoping to see what happens next.
   I've been setting goals. I am not organized and this year I'm having even more trouble with it. I have constantly dealt with depression due to hormones in the past few months. It has been horrible. I have a great life....I'm satisfied with a lot. I just can't seem to get motivated to do the things I need to do, and I'm having trouble seeing the bright side of things. It's the strangest depression I've ever been through. So, one of my goals is to exercise....to get those endorphins going b/c I can't afford medicine. lol.
  My next goal is to get everything "school" into a calender. I am the worst at depending on my computer to keep track of my appointments. It's doing me no good.
  My next goal is to lose weight. I'm so sick of being fat. UGHHHH! It seems to get worse every month with the PCOS...so, I've got to do something and now. There may be a weightloss blog in the works....not sure yet. I'd like to get some feedback on this from people who use their blog as a tool. I'd like to know if it really works.
  My biggest goal, is to get un-stuck. I'm so sick of being stuck. I have this super busy brain but my body just doesn't want to follow. I need more action in my life. I think a lot about the things I must do, but I end up not doing those things...not sure why...except maybe for the depression. My husband has been wonderful throughout this whole depression episode....a shoulder to cry on...honesty when I need it most....it's been nice. I'm not sure what I'd do without that guy.
  I hope all of you are enjoying autumn. I know I am. Play rehearsals, piano recitals, soccer games, watching the deer play, leaves change, wearing soft coats, the smell of fire places...mmm.  Take care all and you'll hear from me soon.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Splinter in my eye, eh? Get the log out of yours!

I'm sick of religion....by religion, I mean the practice of religion but not really understanding the heart of God. I do not claim to understand everything about my Heavenly Father, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want us judging people.
  Here recently, I've been trying to send a friend request via Facebook to an old friend. It's been several months that I've been trying this. Each time...nothing happens. I finally sent a message along with a friend request and I got a reply. My message was along the lines of this: "Hi, I'm beginning to wonder if my friend requests are even making it through. If it's not a technical error, I hope you'll let me know if I've offended you in some way b/c I'd certainly like the opportunity to apologize for any past wrong."
  Now, before I continue with this story I should let you know that this lady is the daughter of one of my old mentors. She and I were friends in church youth group. When I was in the process of trying to become a missionary she was my "best" friend, but as soon as I got pregnant she dumped me. She came back after I had my daughter. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding, but after the wedding she dumped me. She'd never give warning...she'd just ignore me and when I say ignore, I mean blatantly IGNORE. I'd try to say hi to her at mutual friends' birthday parties and she'd hardly say "hi". Well, her mother spent a lot of time with me in our teen years....she had been through what I'd been through. I always figured if I needed to apologize that it'd be for taking up so much time with her mother, but instead her reply went something like this: " I'm just now at a point in my life where I can say your name without it stabbing me in the heart. I understand that you were in a rough place in your life back then but there were decisions that you had control over. You got pregnant out of wedlock, you slept around, and bragged about it. I never understood why people who did these things would even have beliefs in God in the first place. I finally have peace in my life and choose to filter out things.I was angry at my mother for years for condoning your sins and not condoning mine (which is totally false...her mother never condoned my sins)" This is not verbatim...that would have taken too long, but you get it. Well, I sent an email back explaining how it hurt when she abandoned me so many times and at the end of the email I devoted a big paragraph to apologizing for the pain I caused her (although her pain was apparently caused by the sins I committed against my own life) , which is all fine and good. I truly believe that even if I don't understand how I offend, that it's my place to apologize for the bad feelings I caused anyhow.
   She sent an email back to me that said she skipped over most of the email except the last paragraph (b/c she didn't want to rehash the past..."seriously"). I didn't rehash the past....I even said a lot of good things I remember about being friends with her, but she chose to skip to the apology. She didn't state whether or not I'm forgiven and she didn't acknowledge the wrong she did either. I sent back a message saying, " I'm glad you are at peace now and I hope at some point you'll read the rest of the email. I truly hope that we can be friends again one day. Take as much time as you need...one, two, three, four, five, six, seven etc. years."
  This is how I left it. I guess it probably hurts so badly b/c not only does she have my mom as a friend on her Facebook...she also completely disregards the fact that I am a changed person. She never rebuked me for my wrongs...never warned me that she couldn't be around me, but I am like a plague to her. She only sees me for what I was over ten years ago. All of my friends from church during that time abandoned me....my christian friends. I've never understood that kind of belief system. I could understand if I was bringing harm to other people...I could even understand if I wasn't trying to turn away from my "sin" stricken life, but this wasn't the case. I was a broken kid with broken ways and the people I needed the most left me. And now....I'm still being reminded of my dirty past and it hurts...soooo badly.
   Doesn't God want us as believers to take care of those who need it most? Doesn't God want us to forgive and try to forget? Does God want us to shun people who are wayward? In the scheme of things, is putting someone out of your life forever really going to be the remedy for moving on? Sometimes it's necessary of course, when someone has caused you or a loved one physical harm...or in the case of a person who is using you for money. You get what I mean....there are some circumstances. I've always had the understanding that God the Father loves his children and sometimes allows things to happen to teach His children when they are sinning. Is it our place to make sure those consquences happen or is it God's job?
  What does it say about so-called believers when they only associate themselves with people who are doing "good"? I do not care to live my life this way. If a couple of people had not stayed in my life through my hard times, there's no telling where I'd be now....I'm so thankful they didn't give up on me. I will not give up on people b/c of that.
   Well, just in case some of you were wondering where I fell off to...now ya know. I've been pouting...or something like that. I immersed myself into Farmville on Facebook....and that's where I've been hiding. I think I should have blogged when it originally happened....probably would have bounced back easier, but better late than never I suppose.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Grandaddy

POD from the blog Thufferin Thuccotash-Surviving and Laughing , has asked for all of us that have been effected by cancer in some way, to write about it in our blogs to support the cause Live Strong Day.

I will take this opportunity to write about my Grandaddy who died of complications due to lung cancer three years ago.

My Grandaddy was diagnosed with lung cancer. He smoked when he was young, but also quit when he was young (once he found out about the health risks)....so he had went many, many years without smoking. However, it still took its toll later in life. His cancer was found early, and he was even in remission before he died. He had even survived colon cancer in previous years. However, his lungs kept filling up with fluid, so he was scheduled to have a procedure done that would keep his lungs from doing this anymore. The procedure didn't work the way it was supposed to. His body became septic and he died.

My Grandaddy was the best grandfather to me. When I was little he would drive hours and hours just to come pick me up and take me home to visit with he and my Grandmother. He always bought the best gifts. When I was five he bought me diamond stud earrings (which I still wear today). He bought me two rings with sapphires. I always thought it was so neat that my Grandad would buy me jewelry. He was the only one that would. :)

He would always call me Doll and I loved kissing him on top of his bald head. He'd pick me up from my Grandmother's house to go walking with him by Hartwell Lake. There was a hill that we'd always race up. He told me he'd pay me 100 dollars if I beat him up that hill when I turned 16. He beat me up that hill and still paid me 100 dollars. lol. That's the kind of guy he was. He loved life and he loved to love. He loved fishing, nature walks, dogs (he always had girl dogs which he'd name Lady or Bella), and golf. He was 87 years old when he got cancer and he still wanted to beat it b/c he loved life. Even on his death bed, he fought b/c he wasn't finished living life. Unfortunately, his body lost the fight before his mind did.

I think about him a lot....he was the peacemaker of our family in the end. He was the reason I began talking with my Dad again after being estranged from him for over a year. He reminded me, "We can't choose our family....blood is blood...and you should start talking with your father again b/c you'll regret it later if you don't".

In writing this, I hope to convey the sorrow that goes along with losing someone before that person is truly ready to leave this earth. My Grandfather had a long life and for that I'm thankful...but it was so hard to see him go into the hospital fully functional and not be able to leave. I know he was not ready to stop living and it broke my heart that he didn't get to see more days than he did.

It's time for more cancer awareness and time to find better medicine and less destructive cures.

LiveStrong Day Oct. 2, 2009

Posted by POD on Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I so like the idea of cooking something yellow (eggs, lemons, lemon bars, lemon brownies, lemon pie, lemon chocolate chip cookies, lemon fudge, lemon chocolate pie) to commemorate LIVESTRONG Day 2009 though I am not a food blogger -- still nothing can keep me away from looking and fantasizing over their blogs. LIVESTRONG Day is October 2nd to coincide with the date Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago. Not to be left out, I was diagnosed two years around this same time.

Since Lance's recovery from cancer he has gone on to win le Tour De Frah-hance, France seven times (!) and just this year he came in third place after a four year break. (What the hell have I been doing? cruising graveyards, blogging, disturbing people, -- long list!)

The foodies and winos have been blogging the LIVESTRONG Day for a few years. I'd like to see as many of us cancer/fitness/health/whatever bloggers as possible work unify our blogwork to support LIVESTRONG Day 2009 as well. Because we aren't foodies or winos (admittedly in our blogs), one way to unify is to write a short post on how cancer has effected your (our) life because I have a feeling it has affected many of our lives in one way or another.

Or you can make me some yellow food and send it over!

Blogging this date (and Fridays are notoriously slow blog days) is one way of supporting the Lance Armstrong Foundation by raising awareness of cancer issues world-wide. It is a way for bloggers to share their stories, poignant, devastating, thrilling, celebratory and triumphant. If you haven't been bulldozed by a cancer diagnosis, you can still participate. Write about a friend or post a prayer.

Then stop by my blog and leave a short comment with a link to your post. I'll put all your comments in a chemo-hat and pick 14 names of folks who will *win* a small though significant LAF token of appreciation for helping us come together to commemorate the day.

Sound like an simple deal? It is as long as you don't have a cancer diagnosis!

This online event is an official LIVESTRONG Day event sanctioned by the Lance Armstrong Foundation.


Please cut & paste into your own blogspot so others can show their support for LIVESTRONG Day, Oct 2, 2009.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Theme Song

Ok, so if I had a theme song (ya know...the kind of theme song that plays when someone is setting out to do something really cool in a movie), it would be this song. People who know me well, know that I looooove to sing. You will know this too if you've seen some of my older posts in which I've posted songs and my less than wonderful karaoke version of the same songs all in one posting. :) I really wanted to post this b/c it is a positive song. It's basically about letting go of inhibitions (no I don't mean the kind of inhibitions that may include wearing clothes....keep your clothes ON please!) lol. I listen to this song a lot on my MP3 player, but had forgotten that the music video is pretty hilarious. Look for the octopus....hehehe.

Here's the lyrics:


Baby, you've been going so crazy

Lately, nothing seems to be going right

Solo, why do you have to get so low

You're so... You've been waiting in the sun too long


But if you sing, sing

sing, sing, sing, sing

For the love you bring won't mean a thing

Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing

Colder, crying on your shoulder

Hold her, and tell her everythings gonna be fine

Surely, you've been going to early

Hurry, cause no one's gonna be stopped


But if you sing, sing

sing, sing, sing, sing

For the love you bring won't mean a thing

Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing

Baby, there's something going on today

But I say nothing, nothing, nothing,

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

Saturday, September 19, 2009


Today I am officially into the last year of my twenties. For some reason, it's really, really bothering me. I've pretty much been a bummer to be around for the past couple of days. I think I've been reflecting on my life a bit much and while there are many good things I've done in my life...there's still so much I had hoped to accomplish by now. I really hoped to be skinnier. I really hoped to have a better handle on how to do this housewife thing. I really hoped that I would be able to embrace the "with age comes wisdom" thing. I really hoped that I'd learn how to decorate my house. LOL Well...nobody's perfect.
I have decided that in honor of my birthday, that I am going to be good to myself for the WHOLE day. As a mother of two, I truly put myself on the back burner most days. It's not good for me and it's not good for my family. Sometimes, in my opinion, I think SAHM's take on the martyr role and put everyone else ahead of themselves just for the sake of making things run smoothly in their families. I remember my mom doing this. She was still wearing clothes from the 80's in the 90's. She was very plain and unhappy for a long time. I realize I've turned into her...but for my birthday, I vow to eat healthy, kick bad habits, get things done, fix myself up for a change, and not raise my voice to my loved ones. I'm hoping by doing this, I'll realize how good it feels and make more days like this.
And since I've been doing so much reflecting...I'm going to share 29 things I've learned about life so far in my 29 years. :)

1. Forgiveness is essential.
2. Healthy small doses of anger can lead to results but long lasting anger leads to destruction.
3. Do not tell huge secrets to just anyone...yeah, turns out that even the best of friends can wag their tongues a bit much sometimes.
4. Don't tell your life story unless someone really wants to hear it.
5. There's a reason they call it your "highschool figure"...b/c after having kids, your body just doesn't look the same.
6. If you have a gut feeling about something, trust it.
7. Sometimes it's just better to smile and nod when receiving unsolicited advice.
8. Romance is overrated....husband babysitting kids while you take a shower is priceless.
9. Marriage is not for the faint-hearted.
10. Despite the popular trend of "having many partners keeps things exciting", sex can still be great with same person after years and years.
11. Sometimes in the worst of circumstances, you just have to laugh or else you'll go insane.
12. Not all men are pigs.
13. Children are truly the best people in the world. :)
14. If not changed quickly, little boys will play in their own poop.
15. Do not put blinds in a two-year-old boy's room...they will tear them up.
16. Turns out that little girls are really made of sugar and spice and everything nice. :)
17. Children are capable of changing people and teaching people way more than we can teach them most of the time.
18. Listen to people and even when they disapoint you, listen some more.
19. Don't call bad people names b/c you're just stooping to their level when ya do.
20. Hear both sides of the story and then try to gain understanding from both sides.
21. Support your husband (most of the time) even when he's being dumb.
22. My Mom and Dad did the best they could...even if they did mess me up some...I know that they tried to do better than their parents.
23. Try to be a better parent than your own parents.
24. Google is a Mommy-brained person's saviour.
25. It's true what they say...if you don't use your brain, you will lose it! lol
26. Honesty from people is getting rarer everyday, so when someone is finally honest with you...don't beat them up b/c it wasn't what you wanted to hear.
27. People that care for you will tell you the things you don't want to hear but need to hear.
28. Not every situation is black and white....sometimes grey is suitable...so don't judge.
29. Don't be bossy and pushy...turns out that grown-ups hate it just as much as kids do. lol

and one to grow on...
30. Stop being afraid to show people who you are...who gives a crap if they don't like what they see? At the end of the day, you are who you are...and WHO you are is special. Everyone deserves to be heard and seen.....so drum roll please..
This is me....and I will no longer be afraid of my friends and family knowing who I truly am. I'm out of the bloggy closet....(well, a little anyway) I'm still not sure I'll go posting my blog on my Facebook...but this is a start. If they find my blog...oh well. Oh, and my name is Kim by the way. :) Sooo hoping I won't regret this tomorrow. Gulp! LOL

Wisdom From a Nine Year Old

I almost gave my daughter up for adoption. Many people do not know this...or maybe the people that do know have forgotten because in the end it really didn't matter since I kept her. When I first told one of my mentors that I was pregnant, she told me I should consider adoption. She wasn't being cruel, for she knew what it was like to be a pregnant teenager. She had also mentored other pregnant teenagers. She told me, "You're the first one I've mentored that's considered adoption...this will be an interesting experience." I remember this was the only time she ever offended me...speaking of my predicament as if it were going to be a science experiment that she was heading up. I didn't stay offended for long, because I knew that she knew we had the same thing on our minds. I was mentally and verbally abused....what kind of parent would I be especially at the age of 18? She was also afraid that I would expect my child to love me straight out of my womb....a thing she explained to me wouldn't come for a while. I'd be responsible for loving my child.
For many weeks I put off thinking about the end result of my pregnancy. I finally did make the decision to visit a Christian adoption agency....well, I went there to set things up or whatever it is that one does when relinquishing their child. The woman there showed me family books, scrapbooks put together by families desperately wanting a child. I looked at one or two of them. My heart was in my throat and it made it so I could hardly breathe. I looked at the woman square in the face and asked her, "Do you believe every girl who walks through these doors is meant to give up her child?". She sighed sympathetically and said, "No, I certainly do not believe that." I thanked her for her time and shot through the door like a bat out of hell.
During that time, I had been speaking to the wife of one of the ministers at my church. She had been praying for me. One night after service she told me she had someone she wanted me to talk with. I knew something was up. She took me to a dark corner of the sanctuary. There I saw a familiar face of a woman that all knew about was that she had an abortion that messed up her reproductive system permanently and she desperately wanted kids. I sat down in front of her. She said, " I just want you to know (with tears in her eyes), that I just knew that God did this when I heard about you being pregnant. I promise, I'll take good care of your baby...I just want you to think about this." At that point, I thought I was going to blow a gasket. This lady just told me it was God's will for me to give her my child! I went home and my parents were just as angry as I was...although I do admit I felt sorry for the lady.
During my pregnancy, I was constantly insecure about whether I'd be a good mom or not. I'd park my car, cry, and talk to my precious unborn Laurel. I'd contemplate adoption again. I'd apologize to her for already making her life a mess before she was born and apologizing to her for the mess I'd make later. I was bewildered. But....it's funny how becoming a mommy gives you such clarity on what needs to be done. I knew I'd have to learn how to say sorry. It's one thing that none of my family ever did. My dad would never apologize to us after his hurtful words. I just assumed that everything was my fault. I knew I'd have to say sorry. I knew I'd have to learn control.
Well, here in the present...I can honestly say that my child understands that I'm not perfect. That's one thing I always thought about my parents...they didn't apologize...so that must have meant that they were doing everything right. My expectations were too high. So, I always explain to my daughter about the hurtful things my parents would say to me and how those kinds of things tend to come out in me sometimes even though I truly try hard for them not to. I explain how I learned to forgive my parents although, it's never ok for anybody to hurt her with words. I explain to her how I'm constantly trying to better myself and that she can help me by speaking up when I say the wrong things. I found myself in that position today...needing to apologize. Laurel explained how I hurt her feelings and I apologized and explained how truly wretched I feel when I say the wrong things. She smiled and said, " Mommy, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. You'll do better tomorrow and I forgive you." I said, " Wow Laurel, that is so wise...wherever did you learn this?" She says, " I heard it on Kung-Fu-Panda." LOL....from the mouths of babes. I told her thank you for the profound wisdom she shared with me and kissed her good night. I googled this saying and found the full version (modern English since it is an ancient saying apparently). The full quote often reads: "The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
It's amazing to me how wonderfully and fearfully our babies are made. It's good to know that even on my worst days, that God somehow always rings His wisdom loud and clear to me. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I chose to keep my daughter...she teaches me something new everyday.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Political Thoughts (Gulp!)

This started as a reply to a conversation on a different blog. However, I started writing so much I decided to make it into a blog instead. I apologize ahead of time for ranting...but I really liked hearing your opinion and wanted to reply to it. :) Everything I say, is said in respect although sometimes I'm not great with words...just warning ahead of time. hehe
Before I go on I want to put a disclaimer on here. I do not claim to hold a wealth of knowledge on politics. I am pretty simple minded when it comes to politics and pretty much make opinionated observations according to what I see. So, if I get something wrong or sound a bit uneducated about certain issues, let me know, I love to learn. Almost everything I've learned thus far, is because I've educated myself or have been fortunate enough to have willing mentors teach me.
I am a centrist and I found a paragraph that describes my beliefs best.
In politics, centrism usually refers to the political ideal of promoting moderate policies which land in the middle ground between different political extremes. Most commonly, this is visualized as part of the one-dimensional political spectrum of Left-Right politics, with centrism landing in the middle between left-wing politics and right-wing politics. -- Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia (I know it's a pretty self explanatory term but just wanted it on here to clarify)
So, I don't really see myself as a "get government out of our lives" person. I truly do believe there needs to be a combination of the government sector and private sector.
"Our society isn't as altruistic as we'd like to believe...we do need government to step in an make us do the right thing." OK, I do agree that our society is not very altruistic, however, why would society want to be altruistic when it's so easy to go fill out an application and get all the help they need? My mother came from a family of eleven children. Her mother did not drive and her father was an alcoholic. They've been on food stamps and welfare for as long as I can remember. They still are. Many of their children grew up and they are on food stamps and welfare now. What would happen if their help was taken away? How often is the system abused this way and why is it so easy to abuse? Well, my opinion is the more government is involved, the more bloated bureaucracies become, then less and less fruitful decisions are made. So many people need help and get help, and there is not a good accountability system in place to make sure the right people are getting help. I say this from another viewpoint.
I was a teenage single mother. About six months after my daughter was born a friend helped me get a part time job at a dry cleaner that would let me bring my daughter with me to work. I made a little over six dollars and hour. I went to social services to get medicaid and WIC. Where I used to live, when you applied for medicaid they automatically checked to see if you qualified for welfare and food stamps. ( I told the lady I did NOT want to be on food stamps but she had to try anyway) I was a bit surprised. I did not qualify for food stamps. I did not qualify for anything other than WIC and medicaid. However, another single mom friend of mine who did not work DID qualify for medicaid, food stamps, and welfare. Well, she'd get a job for a couple of weeks and quit (this was her habit...see my blog titled "Misti" to read more about her). She did this while being in a privately funded program for single moms who need help to get on their feet and live independently minus government services. Misti got kicked out of the program pretty quick since she wouldn't hold a job...why would she want to work when she already had everything she needed? As for me, I got a better job working long hours, joined a (privately funded) home for single mothers to help me get on my feet, and made my way out into the world where I paid my own bills, paid for insurance, and paid for my own car. I did receive government help with childcare...was very thankful for that program. I felt OK for using it since MY tax dollars were helping to pay for it. How backwards is it when people wanting to work can't get much help but people who won't work can get a lot of help? I have friends now that are struggling b/c of their spouse being laid off. One of my friends will lose her home soon. She called her mortgage company to see what help was available and they told her she couldn't receive help until she went without paying her mortgage for at least a couple of months. LOL!! She was preparing for the future and trying to be a responsible adult but she can't get help until she can't pay..for a while. I may be seeing this wrong...but isn't this backwards? Once upon a time, did't communities help eachother out? What did people do before the government stepped in to help? Did people take care of their own? Did parents take care of their children and did children take care of their parents when they got old? I understand that there were people that weren't taken care of...but maybe a little less of them? I just think that there has to be a line in the middle...somewhere...not too much government not too little. We need more programs that are going to encourage people to take responsibility for their own lives and those of their families.
"What this government does now lays the foundation for their future world, so he should invite their voices and minds into the conversation." On one hand I agree b/c I do believe their voices and minds should be invited into the conversation of their future in this country...most certainly. I never feel like children have a sense of true ownership and pride for their country these days. Obama's speech has the opportunity to spark this in children. However, I believe that as parents and caregivers that WE should be laying the foundation for our children and not rely so heavily on the teachers,celebrities,athletes, music artists and politicians to do this.
This guy dropped out when he was 14 and he's a famous rapper...recruited for Get Schooled. This makes no sense to me.

I agree that there are far more dangerous things to worry about my children seeing and hearing....media setting out to form peoples' opinions, celebrities,etc.I am very watchful over what goes into the ears and eyes of my children. No parent can watch their kid 24-7, but we all can take precaution. I'm also very careful to control how I react to a situation in front of my child. I agree with what someone said, "I'd only venture to add that even with home-schooling you can't control every outside influence that might, as you say, bombard kids with subtle messages. But more potentially insidious, I think, are messages they might get from us parents." I agree with this statement whole-heartily. Because my children are with me the most, I have to be extremely sensitive to the fact that they pay attention to everything I say and do. ALL of we parents have to be careful....bad thought patterns and habits can be passed. I also agree that exposing different ideas to our children rather than just our own, will help them learn to think for themselves. The last thing I want for my children is for them to be robots.

Friday, September 11, 2009

What gives???

Ok, so lastnight I entered my blogspot dashboard to see that I had a new follower...not just any follower...one of my favorite fitness bloggers that I've followed loyally for a while now. I was so flattered and happy to see this person on MY blog. :)
Well, tonight I went to my dashboard as usual to read my favorite blogs. I opened one of the entries for my favorite fitness blogger that I did not get to read lastnight and it says, "It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation." What the heck?? Well, I thought maybe something was wrong on my end so I go back to my dashboard and also see that she's no longer on my follower list anymore. Darn. Crushed. Oh, and by the way...there is no way to contact that blogger. Double darn.
If you read this, Favorite Fitness Blog who lives in Windsor, Ontario (hopefully you know who you are b/c I don't want to post your blog name...b/c I would not want to be rude) please reconsider making a blog club...there's so many of us that are inspired by you that are missing you since you're gone now. :(

Friday, September 4, 2009

Will it affect eternity?

I spend a lot of time in thought. I am busy, but I do have quiet times when I just think. I think about my past, my present, my future and all the people wrapped up into it. Sometimes I like to people watch. When you watch people for a while, you begin to realize that people wear more emotions on the outside than most people realize. It's just a matter of paying attention.
Once upon a time, I didn't do this. I was very wrapped up into my own world and my pain. It was difficult to imagine that anyone else was having bigger problems than myself. It was all about me. I did some pretty self-destructive things back then. I was constantly needing help...needing understanding. I rarely received it at home. I would just whine and complain to my friends. Then, I was blessed enough to meet a few mentors. I had wonderful, strong women come into my life willing to take me on not as a project, but as a daughter...a sister and a friend. These women would open their homes to me. They gave me their time and their honesty. Sometimes, they gave me stern instructions needed for living and for the times when I just didn't get it. When I came to a point in my life that I could finally understand that the world didn't revolve around me and that humbleness truly is a virtue, I began to realize these ladies gave me so much and I had given them nothing...absolutely nothing. I went to one of my mentors and said to her,"You've done so much for me...more than anyone else would have bothered...what can I do to repay you?". She simply told me "Pass it on." I nodded my head to her and began to really think about what she said. I certainly wasn't at a point where I could open up my home to people, and I certainly didn't have much time to spend with someone (I was a single mother at this point). So, I just decided to start paying attention to people. Now, I didn't just all of the sudden realize my purpose in life, start feeding the needy, or volunteer at a soup kitchen. It took many years, many years of me pushing advice on people, judging evil doers, many flopped attempts at helping people to realize that I was doing absolutely no good for the sake of humanity. At one point (and I still struggle with this from time to time), I pretty much lost complete faith that people are good in any amount. It was so easy to look at the actions of people and get sick to my stomach or just get completely angry. It didn't take much; a parent yelling at their kid in the store, someone cutting in front of me in line, people tail gating me, people stealing and laughing about it, gossipers, politicians, preachers, other moms complaining, family members saying hurtful things.
Then one day I heard someone say something that has stuck with me. Will it affect eternity? It means: is it something that is going to affect the progression of humanity in and of itself? Is the action of the other person you are about to judge going to cause an incomprehensible loss or gain for you or anyone else? Are these happenings going to change a course in history? Is it going to have an affect on your afterlife or anybody else's? In the scheme of things...is it something that's really important or life changing? You get my point.
This mantra helped me start seeing people in a different way. Once I could ask this question about actions of people...about myself...I could start looking past the actions and see the person. Most people, even when they are angry and mean, are truly desperate. Sometimes the way they act is the product of no one taking the time to teach them. Sometimes it's people just making dumb mistakes and generational sins being passed down to the new ones, but isn't that what makes us human and our fragility unique? We're all capable of lifting eachother up and totally tearing eachother down. It's all a matter of choices, but at the end of the day, there are reasons behind every poor decision, every less than desireable character trait, and every misfortunate event that happens on this planet. If we take the time to see the emotions behind these choices and ask ourselves if the action of another person is really going to change anything, maybe...just maybe we could all get along better and finally start seeing where we can help others. If we constantly dwell on the annoyances in everyday life, how can we see the big picture? How can we ever begin to come together and start understanding that there are bigger things happening in the world that need attention and that there are people who do need to be held accountable for actions surpassing daily annoyances?
Sure, I still get annoyed and sometimes angry. I still don't understand every action of every person, but I can definitely be confident at the end of the day that I chose to concentrate on the things that truly matter and chose to let the ones that didn't, slip past. I am free to make choices based on the content of the book and not judge the book by its cover. Will tolerance of people affect eternity? Will choosing to just let some things go affect eternity? Will choosing to smile instead of glaring in contempt affect eternity? Will understanding affect eternity? I'd like to think so. If I ever lose my ability to have compassion for others, I pray that the Father takes me home.

P.S.- I'm not a pushover, so please do not cut in front of me in line. :) lol

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Song With Great Meaning

I love this song...great meaning. I love The Fray. :)

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me
Am I already gone?

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna

Saturday, August 29, 2009


Can't think, brain numb
Inspiration won't come
Bad ink, no pen
Best wishes,

Just in case you were wondering, I am still alive and well...just haven't had inspiration to write anything. I've got ideas brewing...just thinking though.

I remember that little poem being written in my yearbook a long time ago. For some reason it came back to me when I was trying to think of something I wanted to blog about. LOL.

Stand by...will be writing soon. :)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tragedy and Thankfulness

Last week I noticed an article on a friend's wall on facebook. The article was about a little girl named Lilly that was murdered here in the town I live in. She was murdered by her mother's boyfriend. I thought to myself, "How horribly sad...I hate hearing things like this." A few minutes later I received an email from my home school yahoo group from a lady I know (we'll call her Mary), talking about this same incident. I finally put two and two together and realized that I knew who this little girl was! Last soccer season I befriended Lilly's grandmother (we'll call her Sherry)who like me, is a home school mom. She'd bring Lilly with her to the field when her mother had to work. My son played with this little girl on several occasions while my daughter and Sherry's son would play soccer. She was beautiful and precious.
I had not seen or spoken to Sherry in several months, but immediately I called Mary, who sent out the email, and we decided we would get a meal together for this family. I called Sherry and found out she was out of town when this happened. She caught an immediate flight home to face this tragedy and a busted water pump at her house. So, not only did they need food...they needed water as well. I met Mary at Sherry's house with food. I talked with Sherry for a little while. She told me that abuse was suspected a few weeks ago and she told her daughter. Her daughter kicked the boyfriend out, only to allow him to come back after deciding she wanted to prove her mother wrong about the allegations. Well, the mother was called at work to be told her daughter was found unconscious in the bath tub and the paramedics were working on her. The boyfriend showed no emotion as all of this was happening...he didn't even ride the ambulance to the hospital. Lilly was pronounced dead at the hospital and the boyfriend was arrested for murder. Apparently there was enough evidence to suggest he committed this treacherous crime.
The next evening, I went to the funeral home. I've been to funeral homes before...usually to pay condolences to grandparents or elderly parents of friends. The youngest I've paid respects to was a 20 year old who overdosed. I thought that was hard...and it was. But, seeing a two year old baby in a miniature casket surrounded by her favorite toys...not breathing...not playing with her toys or running around, was by far the most painful experience ever. I kept thinking to myself, "This is so unatural...breathe...just breathe." Even though I knew she wouldn't breathe, I couldn't help but think this b/c that's the way it should of been. She should have been breathing. Instead, she was covered in makeup to cover bruises on her face, clothed in a dress that was much to neat for a supposed-to-be rambunctious two-year old and she was still....completely still...forever.
I told Sherry that I would send an email out to my home school group of 50+ families in order to get enough food and water to feed her family and relatives that would be staying with her for the funeral. You would think that it would be an easy task to get people to chip in a little for a family in need of so much, nevertheless, no one responded to my email. My friend who had posted the article on her facebook volunteered to help and I asked a dear friend of mine to help. Sherry called me the next morning asking me to babysit her son while they all attended the funeral. Her ten year old son didn't want his last memory of his niece to be her funeral. This worked out perfectly since I was bringing food anyway. I already knew I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral b/c of no babysitter, so I went. When tragedy strikes or people have babies...I feed people. It's my thing. I love to feed people. My job in my home school group is the meal coordinator...the position was actually made for me since I was already trying to feed people anyway. :) Even though I get frustrated at people for not wanting to help, most of the time people are still taken care of by at least a couple of people and this does my heart good. It really didn't do anything for my heart this time, however. Nothing but time will heal and justice.
Normally when I hear stories like this on the news, I'm saddened but it usually doesn't take long for me to bounce back b/c I'm not usually close to the situations. Lilly has made me think long and hard. I've been thinking about my children even more so. I've been thinking about how impatient and irrational I can be sometimes. I don't always spend my time wisely for my children. So many days here recently I've been lost in a sea of frustration with my 2 yr. old son, for his 2 yr. old ways. I haven't appreciated being a mother as much as I thought I already did. Over the past several days, I've been making a mental list of things that I'm thankful for...even some things I wasn't thankful for beforehand, have become so precious to me now.
I'm thankful for my children's health. I'm thankful to hear my son beating on his window in the morning trying to get the neighbor's dog's attention. I'm thankful for my son's temper tantrums. I'm thankful that my daughter talks my head off all the time. I'm thankful for my children's laughs. I'm thankful for my daughter's help around the house and with her brother. I'm thankful when my two year old burps in my face and thinks it's so funny. I'm thankful for the huge messes at the end of the day. I'm thankful for the fingerprints all over the glass door. I'm thankful for the poopy diapers. I'm thankful for the forgiveness that my daughter bestows upon me everyday when I mess up. I'm thankful that my daughter gets upset with me if I'm not home to tuck her in every night. I'm thankful for the raspberries that my son blows on my cheeks instead of kisses. I'm thankful for my children changing me everyday...making me a more patient person. I'm thankful for all the driving around I do to get my daughter to extracurricular activities. I'm thankful for my children being alive and well and giving me the reward of being able to love them every single day. I'm thankful to be reminded that children are the most precious creatures in the world and to never take them for granted.

*Thank you Dear Lilly for the lessons you taught in the little bit of time you spent on this earth even though not everyone knew you well. May God forever comfort you in His big rocking chair singing sweet lullabies in your ear. Rest in peace sweet little one...forever and ever.*

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Needing motivation

I think perhaps, the hardest part of homeschooling is being motivated when motivation is needed. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE homeschooling with a passion that I've never had for anything else in my entire life, but nevertheless it is a blessing that has a lot of work that goes into it. I've always been the type who needs structure but at the same time I really value freespirited moments that become some of the most teachable moments in my child's education. Sometimes I'm a bit too free spirited, so I've never really embraced lesson planning, grading, or report cards. This year I am doing these things. Usually, we just go by the books and get things done when we get things done. This year I am goal setting. I want to start at a place and have some idea of where I want to stop. Even though my child does pretty well on standardized tests, I always feel like we should be shooting for excellence and not mediocracy. I want to know that I am putting my "all" into making my child's education the very best that it can be.
Another problem I'm having is I think I have entirely too much curriculum. lol. I have so much I want to do and I'm not sure if I can fit it all. I love the Charlotte Mason approach and have tried to get in a place of switching over totally but my need for textbooks and structure seem to keep from this.
These are my goals: Write down lesson plans for one month at a time, get a grade book, and get report cards just so my child has a tangible way to see how her hard work pays off.
My other goals aside from homeschooling are to get my new garden ready this week, start exercising and continue to try to get my diet under control. This is me trying to hold myself accountable! :)

Sunday, August 2, 2009


In my past blog about my history, I told about how I got pregnant at the age of eighteen. Well, I'm going to tell you more about that part of my story. Many months before I got pregnant, I was living the party life. I was at clubs on the weekends...spending time with lots of guys, including my future baby's daddy. Eventually, I became so tired of this lifestyle and started asking the big inevitable question for new adults, "What do I want to do with my life?". Of course, I was feeling very guilty at this point b/c I felt like I had turned my back on my religion totally...and when someone is as devout as I was, it's only a matter of time before that someone feels the need for change. So, I did what any little southern baptist chicky would do and went straight to christian counselors. I called a hotline and talked with someone. I told the person that I wanted to travel and bring glory to God. The counselor said, " Why not mission work?". So, I approached the missions minister at my church and he signed me up for a trip to Guatemala. At this point Omar, my daughter's father, had disappeared (as he did on many occasions)for quite a while. So, my little addiction to him could be put on the back burner. So, of course I became quite popular in the college ministry amongst my peers b/c I was doing the Lord's work. I went to Guatemala, came back, gave my testimony to my peers. A few weeks later, I was driving to the grocery store and lo and behold who do I see on a bicycle? It was Omar, the test I knew that God was throwing before me. I was determined to "witness" to him this time...but, well you know what happened next...I failed God's test with flying colors and I got pregnant. Not only had I immersed myself in mission work...signing up for another trip to Guatemala, I was also teaching Sunday school to middleschool students. lol. I was also in college. Well, next came the big confession. I told my church leaders, and my peers about my "sin" and they all were super supportive in their own way. As a matter of fact, they told me that I should start attending the Unwed Mothers Sunday school class (which by the way took place in the basement of the church)hmmm. Well, it was there I met many different pregnant girls...pregnant thirteen year olds, Florence Crittenton girls, ex-druggies, girls who had already given a couple of children up for adoption and pregnant again, and little girls from suburbia (like me)that just plain got knocked up. It was there that I met a girl named Misti. She was several years older than me. She had been horribly abused all her life and she was a druggy who had stopped b/c she was pregnant. She was also an ex-prostitute and an ex-stripper. I thought she was super nice and very funny. When she talks, all you hear is color in her speech...whimsy even. She wore do-rags and had a tatoo of Taz....to go along with her tongue ring. She was from Massachusetts and came to NC where she had lived long ago. She was impregnated by a guy in prison and was living at Florence Crittenton. She would go back and forth between Massachusetts and NC...and she was due to have her baby about a month later than mine. She came back not long after I had my daughter, in preparation to have her kid. The doctors found out that I contracted a disease that could hurt my daughter so they took me by C-section in order to prevent her getting it...but told me to be on lookout for symptoms anyway. Well, my daughter began to run a fever and the doctors took immediate action. At the time I had no one really to support me b/c my parents were in the middle of separating and I was staying with a friend who was about to go out of town. My Sunday school teacher called Misti (I didn't know it) to tell her that my daughter was being taken to the hospital immediately and that I needed someone to be there for me. Even thoough Misti didn't know me well, she came to the hospital and was waiting in the hospital room before I even got there. I was in tears and so ashamed at myself, but there Misti was to comfort me. Well, my daughter stayed in the hospital for days but she was ok in the end. Well, Misti had her baby and I was there at the hospital for her. After that, we hung out together a lot and I even kept her son for her while she worked. When I went into a program to help single mothers, it was her place that I took b/c she got kicked out for not following the program...sometimes I think that I took the future that God had planned for her. I told her that many years later and she smiled at the thought. Well, after she got kicked out of the program, she returned to Massachusetts and met a man who wanted her to be his playdoll. He wanted her to change her name, change her look and he did not want her kid. Misti will claim that she didn't abandon her son for this man but I know she did. She took her son to her mother and ran away with this guy. I kept up with her through phone, and begged her to get her son back. She didn't like this so we stopped talking for years. Her mother died, and so Misti took her son to her brother in Florida. After several years, he was tired of taking care of Misti's son and told her she needed to pick him up. Well, after she picked him up, she came to NC and stayed with me for a few days. Her son is just a beautiful boy full of goodness and I am scared of what will happen to him. Misti told me how she'd been prostituting again with her boyfriend's blessing, b/c he stayed home while she worked. She had gotten lapband surgery b/c her boyfriend didn't like fat girls. She vomited every few minutes while she was staying with me. Well, I told her that if she was in trouble and decided that she couldn't be a mother, that she should bring her son to me. She was thankful.
Well, in the past few weeks, she finally broke up with the big loser only to take another one in and she is very obsessed with him (she's a relationship addict). She told me that she leaves her 9 yr. old son home alone (home is a motel by the way) in the bad part of town in Las Vegas to have "private" time with her new boyfriend that she met at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I flipped out on her and basically told her that she's nuts for doing this and begged her not to do it again. She told me I had a right to my opinion but she felt like there was nothing wrong with what she's doing. I was in tears thinking about how often her son is home alone and thinking about the mess he will surely be b/c of living with Misti. She told me that even though I'm home with my kids that anybody could just break in to my house and kill us on the spot and I'd have no control over this. She said she would have no control over anything happening to her son, so there's no point in her worrying about it. This is how she justifies leaving her child alone at home. Well, I told another friend about this and she told her husband. Now my friend's husband is criticizing me for not calling any authorities. Well, I don't know her address and I'm pretty sure she'd run if she got any tip on this. It's not against the law in Nevada to leave a child that age alone at home but it is "frowned upon", so chances are that she might not get in trouble anyway. So, I feel like the only option I have is to keep the lines of communication open with her, and hopefully be a voice of reason to her. Am I doing the wrong thing? I just do not know what to do. I truly care for her and her child and am afraid of what the future holds for the both of them if Misti keeps going in the wrong direction.

A late night talk with my brother

It's been a little while since I've had the opportunity to sit down and blog...which is kind of a good thing b/c I'm like a shaken soda bottle about to blow. I've got so much to say, so it's gonna take a few blogs to get it all out...so more reading for your pleasure...er not. lol.
Well, this past week has been very interesting nonetheless. First, my brother Paul came into town. He spent the night with me the first night. I waited late for him while everyone else was sleeping. We went to grab some highly caffeinated drinks and brought them back here to my house and started talking. We got on the subject of religion. Well, before I go on, I should tell you that my brother has always mocked my religion when he's mad at me...and has always basically called me ignorant. Well, the past couple of years he hasn't even known that my belief system has been challenged and greatly changed as a result of it. I began to tell him how some of my beliefs have changed and how it irritated me when he would mock religion in front of me b/c he didn't take the time to even find out what I believe. We talked about scientific things such as evolution...The Flood, alternate universes, genetics, ionization, all kinds of crap. I told him at this point, I'm not sure what I believe, but that I still believe in a creator. He told me, "Well, I can respect what you're saying now." This is a BIG statement for him considering he can be a bit arrogant sometimes...a little bit of a know-it-all. I truly feel like we have bonded.
At the same time, I have to admit I am a bit melancholy. I feel like a threshold has been crossed. For the longest time, I had prayed that my brother would come to his senses and become a believer in God. I've always maintained my spirituality in front of him b/c I was afraid of chancing that I may be the only one who could be the light as far as ever affecting his belief system...or system of non-belief. Well, now the cat is out of the bag and I'm pretty sure that he feels even more smug about his "rightness" about all things scientific and spiritual. I am being sarcastic about this, because I do still believe in God, but b/c I'm not sticking with my old beliefs it's kind of the same as not believing, probably, from my brother's view point. As for me, a part of me does wonder according to my old beliefs if I have been a stumbling block for my brother and if I will be held accountable for his faith before God. Well, I suppose I'll know when I die....lol.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Interesting night at the movie theater

Lastnight, I decided last minute that I wanted to go to a movie. Ok, so I hate watching movie previews so I wait until 15 minutes after the movie starts to go in. I don't like to spend more time in the theater than I possibly have to b/c well...not sure if it has to do with claustrophobia or sitting in one place for several hours at a time. Well, anyway, I found a good parking spot and just sat there for a few minutes waiting for the preview time to pass. I noticed a woman approaching my car. She's carrying a work box...ya know..one of those that has a handle in the middle and has big compartments on each side. It looked like she had a bunch of stuff from the dollar store...it looked as though some of it had been used. She barely gave an introduction before she was talking about how she fixed sweet potato bread for her mama and how her mama likes it chewy. Then she began to talk about God and started trying to witness to me. Then she tells me that she rescues dogs. She says, "And I wanna tell ya not to approach any pit bulls, but you don't look like the type that'd go fightin' pit bulls." She starts to pull objects out of her workbox: a calculator, "christian" flashcards for kids (she said), some dingy washcloths that she called "face cloths", and some other stuff. She told me this is what she does for a living, rescues dogs and witnesses to people, and that she takes donations for the stuff in her box. I politely told her I had no cash. She says, "Well, thank you for letting me witness to you." I told her that I'm "saved". Well, she talked for about 10 minutes and finally went away. I peeped around the car beside me before I got out, trying to make sure she had put a little distance between us. I didn't see her so I quietly shut my car door and walked past the SUV beside me and there she was again! This time she asks me if I work there. Note: I was wearing a jean skirt, flipflops and a very casual shirt that looked nothing like movie theater employee attire. I think she just used this as another opening line. I politely told her that I was going to watch a movie. She said, (very snippy)"Well I hope you ain't goin to watch Harry Potter...it's witchcraft." I just smiled (and I winced inside)and kept walking a little...she got in front of me. I have to admit that I've always been afraid to watch Harry Potter b/c the church has preached against it so much, it made me fearful. In truth I haven't read any of the books and have only seen a couple of the movies on TV...in private when no one was around. I kinda liked the movies I saw...and I've felt a little rebellious here lately...so I wanted to go see the new movie.
She started talking about kids and abortion. She told me she wasn't for abortion but she was ALL for sterilization..LMAO. "If those people didn't want anymore babies, they needed to be sterilized." she said. Then she proceeded to tell me how she worked in Charlotte doing a christian play for kids and something about a fat kid falling off stage or on stage...can't remember. LOL. She told me that she's been divorced twice and she supposes that she just didn't wait on the Lord.
This dragged on for another 10 minutes...and yes...I was going to go see Harry Potter. I didn't tell her though in fear that she might use one of her dingy face cloths on me. lol. Along with her "witnessing" facade, she wore a yellow t-shirt with a precious moments angel on it with a long green skirt. I'm sure she picked this costume purposely. This was just such a strange encounter.
After the movie was over, I parked further out in the parking lot by the only parking lot lamp still on and started reading a book. I read for a few minutes and put my book down. I felt as though I needed to say something to God. I asked, "Why did she have to talk to me?? You know I'm still bitter." I wanted to say more but I just didn't. Everything that lady said and did in that parking lot are some of the very reasons I have been turned off to Christianity "the religion"...as opposed to just having faith and a relationship with God. Once upon a time, I think I would have really felt compassion for that lady, but this time it was just annoyance. I'm not sure why that is...I think I'm still compassionate...I guess I have some boundaries right now that I didn't know about.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

At an Impasse

In my last two "actual" blogs, I told about my history. I told about my history to show where it's led me b/c as much as you hear people say "The past is in the past", well, let's face it...the past is what makes us who we are. At this point for me, in my life, I am at an impasse where I'm trying to make sense of things that used to be solid to me. Where I'm at now, the walls are made of jello...no longer strong and safe.
All my life, I was taught that there is a God in heaven that interacts daily in our lives and blesses us for no other reason other than the fact that we are His children. When I'd wonder what my purpose here on this earth was, I was told that I'm here to glorify God....and most of my life I was ok with this answer. As a matter of fact I was afraid to even question it...thinking that to do so would be blasphemous and would surely damn me or at least get me into heaps of trouble with The Big Guy. I guess you could say that I started questioning things when I began talking with people in my homeschool group about their different beliefs and when I started trying to prove my agnostic brother wrong in his beliefs. Lots of research led me to different questions other than the ones I have always had and was told not to worry about those questions b/c God meant for us not to know everything about everything. Some of the questions I began to ask can be found in this earlier blog called Contemplative. http://windingroad-dalilah.blogspot.com/2009/05/contemplative.html
I was taught that in order to glorify God, that I would have to follow the commandments. Well, most of the commandments I had no trouble with. However, the one that says "Honor thy Father and Mother", I had a lot of trouble with. How could I honor a Father that would make me crumble almost everyday of my life? Of course I fought him....I was feisty. At the end of the day, yes, it made my life harder but at least I felt that there was a piece of me that no one could touch...that was all I had to get my suicidal self through. In case you're wondering...my dad after a lot of years did apologize and has changed a lot and everyday he thinks about the things he did and tries to find the good in the parenting that he did. I try to help him, b/c as a parent, I understand. He didn't mean to harm us and he did the best that he could.
The next thing is obeying my husband. Okay, my husband and I went to a few different counselors many years ago. I had a big problem being able to tell my husband that my car was having trouble. He would always get mad...don't know why but he did. I told the counselor that I knew very little about cars and had to tell my husband about the problems so we could get them fixed b/c I couldn't just take it to a mechanic myself b/c I had to make sure it was ok to spend money too b/c my husband was in charge of that. My counselor stated that I did the right thing b/c handling car repairs was his job and handling the money was his job too b/c women don't have the logic to handle finances (christian counselor for your info). LMAO Whaaat???? My eyes totally bugged at that point. I did not say anything but thought plenty. Why wasn't I logical enough to handle the money?? I was a single mother before I met my husband living on my own on 7.50 an hour (not on government aid by the way)...and I can't handle finances?? I wanted to tell the counselor about the time my husband wouldn't cut down the big pine trees leaning towards my daughter's part of the house...did I mention my father-in-law said they were about to fall and that a hurricane was on its way? I fought with my husband for two stinkin weeks about this before he finally cut them down...and where was the logic in his thinking? Yet, I was supposed to obey this guy for the rest of my life or his...to glorify God.
If God's ways are higher than my ways, then why does He want me to glorify Him? I must surely look like an ant on this planet from where He resides. What's the point of it? B/c to me it feels like I'm having to feed another man's ego. In my last blog I stated that after I got pregnant with our second child, I started to fall into the "role" that was expected of me. Well, sometimes it can be convenient having to pass over the decision making to someone else b/c it means less thinking for me. Also, sometimes my husband is a bit more objective than I am in certain circumstances...although I don't relate this phenomenon to "logic", I just relate it to lack of passion. LOL. I can be over-passionate about a lot of things so he balances me out in that way. When it comes to what I consider "no-brainers" for me, it tends to be a long, drawn-out decision for my husband. Now, my question is why does it seem like we women are always being put in a position of being "under" someone here on this earth no matter if these people we are "under" make stupid decisions or not? I mean, I know it says all of us are supposed to obey God and my husband has to obey his boss. But, it just never seems like we women get out from under some kind of human authority at home unless we decide to stay single. Why is it necessary, according to what I've been taught, to obey even when the decision making could potentially be risky? This is where things don't line up for me. I truly believe that I have as much right to an opinion and the right to make decisions as any man does....and get away from the bad decisions when they are being made. Which is flawed...the way we are taught from the bible or did some scribe put a few more words in the bible when everybody else was on their lunch break b/c he was ticked at his wife? lol(Yes, I do realize it probably wouldn't have happened this way but you get my meaning)Hmmmm...

Where I'm at now

Ok, so in my last blog I talked about my history and now I'll talk about where I am presently.
After all of the abuse I went through as a child, and after I got out on my own, I decided I would never let any person rule me again. After I got over the shock of being on my own, I grew to love my alone time and finally started learning about myself. I grew up around relatives that were racist and promised myself to never teach any of that to my children. Going out on the streets at night put me in a place of getting to know all different types of people and made me appreciate the fact that we shouldn't judge people b/c everyone wears a different set of shoes in life. I believe that God speaks to everyone in different ways and that there's no set of beliefs that can't be questioned. Don't tell me your way is the only way. (This may sound rebellious but I've seen too many bad things happen when someone is put up on a pedestal) I certainly don't believe that I'm right about everything so don't expect me to think that you are right about everything.
I love learning and think that we all should be in a constant state of learning. School doesn't end after college and I believe we all should continue to learn about people and our surroundings and we should learn to do things better. Don't just accept one group of principles for your life....things change over the years and so does our thinking. I believe God loves me and knows that I am a curious person and is probably ok with this.
I believe marriage is a partnership where I do have more to offer than my good cooking and cleaning skills. I do believe women have just as much right to make decisions as a man does.
I am overweight for many reasons. I punish myself with food...I have PCOS..I don't do enough exercise and if I ever feel like someone is trying to force me to lose weight, I rebel even though I know it helps nothing. If I was told that I am beautiful everyday and accepted in the skin I wear...I think it would be easier for me to change and to accept help with it.
Despite my issues with my husband and his authority, I truly do believe I married a good man. He loves our children and helps me so much with them. He is a hard worker and works hard so I can stay home with our kids. He likes to surprise me when I least expect it. He's pretty understanding when it comes to not having the house clean when the kids have been rough. He's very handsome and doesn't even know it no matter how much I tell him that he is.
After I began homeschooling, I realized that there are many different beliefs even amongst people who call themselves believers of the bible. I don't mean like the differences you see from baptists and presbytarians, but a completely different view of the bible and worship itself. See my blog "Contemplative". I have so many questions about this but my husband hasn't been willing to help me pursue the answers b/c he is in his own spiritual funk right now despite the fact that he told me if I'd get my act together that he'd be able to be the "spiritual head of the household" that he needs to be.
Next blog I'll explain how my past and present has led me to the kind of questions that I've been wanting answered.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Some tunes

I've been playing on singsnap again...I love this song...got me through some hard times when I was younger.

Ok, so this song just happens to be on the soundtrack of Twilight which is one of my fave book series...however...the words to this song in some places fits where I am right now. It's a great song.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

About me

Well, I was thinking about my blog...and about how so far I have yet to really tell about my true self and where I come from. Really, the only info I have about myself in my sidebar only indicates that I'm probably a conservative, religious, homeschooling,desperate (probably indicated in some of my blogs) housewife. I think that over the years I've lost touch with my true qualities that make me...me. I would also like to get better at this blogging thing and potentially gain some followers along the way (hint, hint..don't feel pressured lol). I'm sure there are more women out there that are like me and perhaps are having trouble finding their voice like me. So, I'm going to strip away the layers to expose myself as much as I can...(still don't want to use my real name at this point).
I live in the southeast (in the bible belt) and have been here all my life with the exception of going to Guatemala one time on a mission trip. The furthest west I've been is Tennessee and the furthest north is Virginia. I grew up in southern baptist churches (attending only with my mother) while Dad stayed home. My dad was the bread winner...the leader of our home while my mom stayed home with we young'uns and tried to raise us right. Well, my dad was stressed out most of the time from work (he was a wal-mart manager) and he brought home the stress to us in the form of verbal and mental abuse. It didn't help that my mom was a total pushover and wouldn't deal with us herself...always gave it to Dad and then she didn't like the way he handled things. I had a weight problem from the time I was little and can remember being put on diets when I was five years old. When I was 9, my dad would have me weigh on the scales once a week to determine if they needed to cut back on my "chow". I had such a low self-esteem that I contemplated suicide from the age of 9up until I was 18. Most of my childhood was spent living in deep, dark depression. My father was the dictator and no one questioned his authority or shared their feelings and he was the first and last judge on every matter in the house down to the type of clothes and haircuts we wore. All the while, I'd cry in the privacy of my room and mutter about how much I hated life. Eventually, when I became a teenager I grew tired of fighting against peer pressure...trying to be an individual in a society where people were only comfortable with conformists. So, I began taking drugs. Eventually after some extreme circumstances in my life, I decided to quit. I lost weight, gained friends, and began dating (mostly promiscuity). After a bad breakup with my highschool sweetheart, I became number than I already was. Things were esculating at home between my parents. I found out my father was all but prostituting my mother to other men online and eventually I spiraled out of control. I'd sneak out at night and end up in cars with men who were horrible creatures. Eventually, when I turned 17 I snuck out one night to go get cigarettes and met a man on the streets that I began to have a secret affair with for 2 years. Well, it remained a secret for a little more than one year b/c I became pregnant by him when I was 18. His friends called him Omar, however after he disappeared a week before I had our child, I found out that it wasn't his real name. None of my friends or family ever met him and I never saw him again after his disappearance. I only knew he disappeared when I called his number from the hospital only to be answered by new tenants at his apartment. A week before my child was born, my father finally physically abused one of my brothers and one of my friends called the police. All hell broke loose after that and the separation of my parents began while I was in the hospital having my daughter. I moved into an apartment with my mother and brothers temporarily (b/c my mom decided she was going back to my dad) and sought out shelter in a home designed for single mothers in need. I had never been on my own and was controlled all my life so I was in a state of shock when I finally made it on my own...instead of grieving the loss of my child's father and the loss of my family...I became promiscuous once again. I did this by signing onto a really sleezy, cheesy, phone dating service. Little did I know that my wrecklessness would lead me to my husband.
All my life I was taught by my mother to look for a good Christian man and to make sure I was a biblical wife meaning: that I would be submissive to his authority, make sure to take good care of our household, be a good cook, look attractive for him, let him make all the decisions (although I think after my mom's divorce from my dad she saw some error in all of this). Besides, what did I know? I only knew what I didn't want in a husband...I had never been with a truly nice person until I met my husband. Well, when I married my husband, he was a little more than obsessed with me losing weight...so much so that I felt that I was in the same boat I had been with my dad all my life. I think he was genuinely concerned for me but what guy doesn't want a pretty wife too? Of course, I rebelled and we fought like cats and dogs b/c there were many other issues as well. We came close to divorce many times and we went to more than one therapists. Eventually, I became pregnant with our first child together and we were finally able to make things start working for us. I finally succumbed to the traditional role of a wife that I was taught. I expected that my husband would fall into his role to since he told me all along that it would be so much easier for him to do this if only I would do my part. (I felt the same way) My husband is a kind man although he has his way about him. He is a small town guy who was raised with the same southern principles as I was. Over the years being with a woman who is strong willed, opinionated, and a little bit controlling herself has made its toll on him too. Ok, so I'm up to current now and I'll talk about that in my next post.