Tuesday, December 29, 2009

C'est la vie

What are the limits...the boundaries in which we settle with what we have in life? Some would say never settle, some would say be grateful for what you have, and some people would simply say life is hard...and work with the hand you're dealt. As for me...I'm confused....and I live all these statements constantly.
   Recently, I was talking with an old friend from highschool. He asked me if I was happy and really hoped I was happy, b/c he said that it made him happy to know I'm happy. He said on Facebook it seems that I am rather fond of my life. I told him that I am fond of my life and everyday that we are still breathing is a blessing......and I was telling the truth, but not the whole truth. I did tell him that there were hard decisions I made when I don't think I was really old enough or wise enough to make such decisions. I've had to live with those decisions every day of my life....and I find myself constantly having to make more hard decisions as I get older....decisions I'm still not quite sure I'm wise enough to make.
   On my second date with my husband, he told me that Huntington's Disease runs in his family. Huntington's is a hereditary disease. If you have a parent who has it, then there is a 50% chance of you having it. My husband's mother died at the age of 54 of Huntington's. There is a 50% chance that he has it he told me. He wanted me to know upfront. Of course, me being the eternal optimist back then, told him that there's no way to know how each of us will die and it would be stupid of me not to continue our relationship based on what may be or may not be. Now I live in fear that my beautiful son may or may not have this disease later in life.
  Then I made another decision. My husband told me he did not believe in biracial marriage or biracial relationships....as for me, I'm basically colorblind. Before I met my husband, I generally didn't date American men....period. Recently I found out that my husband thinks that white people should be the only ones in presidency in this country b/c they are "the majority".  He told me nothing would ever change how he feels on this subject. Wanna know how I found this out? My brother recently started dating a sweet, sweet girl from Korea. My husband made a comment about it and from there we began arguing. I asked him if he remembers that our daughter is biracial. He said "It's not her fault". Whoa....I've still been chewing on this for weeks and weeks now. Back when I was younger, I just thought it was something we would agree to disagree on and now I have a bitter taste in my mouth all the time. I will say that my husband has been progressing...at least it seems. He let my brother and his girlfriend stay over for two nights and told her that she was welcome back anytime. I hope this is progress rather than him avoiding a fight.
   A good while back, I was asking my husband some intimate questions. He told me he doesn't feel the need to tell me about every little detail of his life....of course this raised a big red flag for me. I asked him if he'd ever been unfaithful. He told me no and diverted by bringing up something I had done in the past....he was livid. When the argument was over, he finally admitted that I had good reason to be suspicious about his statement. He just kept asking me "When would I ever have the time to cheat on you?" This has not been over for me....I still have a nagging feeling and I'm not quite sure what to do. I really feel like he's hiding something from me....yet I have no way of finding out. I catch him in stupid little lies a lot...who's to say he couldn't be telling bigger ones? Maybe I'm being paranoid??
  I finally decided one day to share with my husband some of my views on politics and religion. My views have changed a lot over the years and I felt compelled to share this with him. He told me in an exasperated tone that I am too "middle of the road" and the conversation ended. I no longer feel like I can share my views on anything....I feel intelligent when I speak to like minded individuals but feel like a dumbass when I speak with my husband...so I keep my mouth shut. Is it really so important that I get to share my views with my husband?? I don't know.  I do know what I feel....I feel like I have metamorphasized into someone different than the small town single mom my husband once knew.
   I will have to attend Independent Baptist churches for the rest of my marriage....which wouldn't be a bad thing if I didn't disagree with a lot of what they say. I will say that I do like the church we've been visiting, however, I know I will have to wear a mask there like I have to wear at all the other churches we attend. I have to be so careful with what I say on my Facebook....God forbid I post a status update that says I'm watching a rated R movie....or post any songs that aren't hymnals...b/c the preacher told me that I've been monitored by the one lady I have from the congregation on my friend list. Oh boy.
   I feel like my husband and I are not as intimate as we used to be. We used to talk about a lot of things...conversation is so limited now. And he has let me know in the past that I talk too much....so I try to control that now. We are currently arguing about intimacy. He dismissed my feelings on a particular matter and I told him he's being self-centered and selfish.....not sure if I'll stick to my guns. I usually try to patch things up after a while which will mean I'll probably apologize for calling him self-centered and selfish (sigh). Does this happen in all marriages? Do you compromise to keep the peace or let things blow over b/c it's just not worth arguing? I see marriages falling apart around me and sometimes I'm scared that my husband and I will outgrow eachother.
    I am fond of many things in my life. I love my children. I love that I get to stay home with them and homeschool. I'm thankful for a husband who provides the opportunity for me to do this. I'm thankful that my husband loves God. I'm thankful that my husband is helpful and values the meaning of family. I'm thankful that he helps me when I need it and he's a good father. I'm thankful that he understands that I need "me" time. I'm thankful for the times that my husband and I laugh together and thankful for when he's concerned about me. Am I settling?? I don't know. Am I working with the hand I was dealt? Yes...absolutely. Is it enough to work with what I was dealt? I don't know. What are the limits...the boundaries in which we settle with what we have in life? Do we measure our happiness? Do we continue the path for the ones we love? I just do not know.
  If I could go back and answer my friend's question again...I think maybe I'd have answered a little differently. I'd say, I am thankful for the good things that I have in my life b/c I know not everyone has "good things". I'd say that maybe I'm not completely satisfied with life and sometimes I'm very apprehensive about what tomorrow brings and how I'll cope with it. I'd say....I am dealing with as much optimism as I can muster but complaining about it on my blog when I have the chance. I would say everyday we are still breathing is a blessing. (smiles)

No comments:

Post a Comment