Monday, October 19, 2009

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

Ok, so I know I haven't blogged in a while. There is a perfectly good excuse for this. I just haven't felt like it. My brain is constantly going.....all the time. This is why I'm so analytical. The thing about my brain constantly being busy, is that my brain gives out after a while. I need time to recharge mentally. I use this blog for those times when my brain is on emotions are overloaded, or if I just need to make sense of things by writing.
   Here lately, my husband has been reading the Bible again. He's been making changes and the changes have been good so far. He hasn't went into the mode of trying to push us all into submission.....he hasn't done that in a long time. This time he has been taking our family to heart. He's been humble and he's been leading us. We've been reading the Bible as a family, we've been praying as a family, and we've been spending more time together. Hell, we're even back in church! lol The church we're going to isn't even half bad so far. I'm not really sure what to make of all this considering my faith has been one long slide down a slippery slope (now say "long slide down a slippery slope" ten times as fast as you can...tongue twisty) in the past while. I'm just along for the ride....waiting and hoping to see what happens next.
   I've been setting goals. I am not organized and this year I'm having even more trouble with it. I have constantly dealt with depression due to hormones in the past few months. It has been horrible. I have a great life....I'm satisfied with a lot. I just can't seem to get motivated to do the things I need to do, and I'm having trouble seeing the bright side of things. It's the strangest depression I've ever been through. So, one of my goals is to get those endorphins going b/c I can't afford medicine. lol.
  My next goal is to get everything "school" into a calender. I am the worst at depending on my computer to keep track of my appointments. It's doing me no good.
  My next goal is to lose weight. I'm so sick of being fat. UGHHHH! It seems to get worse every month with the, I've got to do something and now. There may be a weightloss blog in the works....not sure yet. I'd like to get some feedback on this from people who use their blog as a tool. I'd like to know if it really works.
  My biggest goal, is to get un-stuck. I'm so sick of being stuck. I have this super busy brain but my body just doesn't want to follow. I need more action in my life. I think a lot about the things I must do, but I end up not doing those things...not sure why...except maybe for the depression. My husband has been wonderful throughout this whole depression episode....a shoulder to cry on...honesty when I need it's been nice. I'm not sure what I'd do without that guy.
  I hope all of you are enjoying autumn. I know I am. Play rehearsals, piano recitals, soccer games, watching the deer play, leaves change, wearing soft coats, the smell of fire places...mmm.  Take care all and you'll hear from me soon.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Splinter in my eye, eh? Get the log out of yours!

I'm sick of religion, I mean the practice of religion but not really understanding the heart of God. I do not claim to understand everything about my Heavenly Father, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want us judging people.
  Here recently, I've been trying to send a friend request via Facebook to an old friend. It's been several months that I've been trying this. Each time...nothing happens. I finally sent a message along with a friend request and I got a reply. My message was along the lines of this: "Hi, I'm beginning to wonder if my friend requests are even making it through. If it's not a technical error, I hope you'll let me know if I've offended you in some way b/c I'd certainly like the opportunity to apologize for any past wrong."
  Now, before I continue with this story I should let you know that this lady is the daughter of one of my old mentors. She and I were friends in church youth group. When I was in the process of trying to become a missionary she was my "best" friend, but as soon as I got pregnant she dumped me. She came back after I had my daughter. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding, but after the wedding she dumped me. She'd never give warning...she'd just ignore me and when I say ignore, I mean blatantly IGNORE. I'd try to say hi to her at mutual friends' birthday parties and she'd hardly say "hi". Well, her mother spent a lot of time with me in our teen years....she had been through what I'd been through. I always figured if I needed to apologize that it'd be for taking up so much time with her mother, but instead her reply went something like this: " I'm just now at a point in my life where I can say your name without it stabbing me in the heart. I understand that you were in a rough place in your life back then but there were decisions that you had control over. You got pregnant out of wedlock, you slept around, and bragged about it. I never understood why people who did these things would even have beliefs in God in the first place. I finally have peace in my life and choose to filter out things.I was angry at my mother for years for condoning your sins and not condoning mine (which is totally false...her mother never condoned my sins)" This is not verbatim...that would have taken too long, but you get it. Well, I sent an email back explaining how it hurt when she abandoned me so many times and at the end of the email I devoted a big paragraph to apologizing for the pain I caused her (although her pain was apparently caused by the sins I committed against my own life) , which is all fine and good. I truly believe that even if I don't understand how I offend, that it's my place to apologize for the bad feelings I caused anyhow.
   She sent an email back to me that said she skipped over most of the email except the last paragraph (b/c she didn't want to rehash the past..."seriously"). I didn't rehash the past....I even said a lot of good things I remember about being friends with her, but she chose to skip to the apology. She didn't state whether or not I'm forgiven and she didn't acknowledge the wrong she did either. I sent back a message saying, " I'm glad you are at peace now and I hope at some point you'll read the rest of the email. I truly hope that we can be friends again one day. Take as much time as you, two, three, four, five, six, seven etc. years."
  This is how I left it. I guess it probably hurts so badly b/c not only does she have my mom as a friend on her Facebook...she also completely disregards the fact that I am a changed person. She never rebuked me for my wrongs...never warned me that she couldn't be around me, but I am like a plague to her. She only sees me for what I was over ten years ago. All of my friends from church during that time abandoned christian friends. I've never understood that kind of belief system. I could understand if I was bringing harm to other people...I could even understand if I wasn't trying to turn away from my "sin" stricken life, but this wasn't the case. I was a broken kid with broken ways and the people I needed the most left me. And now....I'm still being reminded of my dirty past and it hurts...soooo badly.
   Doesn't God want us as believers to take care of those who need it most? Doesn't God want us to forgive and try to forget? Does God want us to shun people who are wayward? In the scheme of things, is putting someone out of your life forever really going to be the remedy for moving on? Sometimes it's necessary of course, when someone has caused you or a loved one physical harm...or in the case of a person who is using you for money. You get what I mean....there are some circumstances. I've always had the understanding that God the Father loves his children and sometimes allows things to happen to teach His children when they are sinning. Is it our place to make sure those consquences happen or is it God's job?
  What does it say about so-called believers when they only associate themselves with people who are doing "good"? I do not care to live my life this way. If a couple of people had not stayed in my life through my hard times, there's no telling where I'd be now....I'm so thankful they didn't give up on me. I will not give up on people b/c of that.
   Well, just in case some of you were wondering where I fell off ya know. I've been pouting...or something like that. I immersed myself into Farmville on Facebook....and that's where I've been hiding. I think I should have blogged when it originally happened....probably would have bounced back easier, but better late than never I suppose.