Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Rough Week

My dad had a heart attack on Sunday. It surprised me and it didn't surprise me. The doctors said that him having another stroke was a big possibility, so I've just been preparing for that to happen. Instead, he had a massive heart attack. He's ok...he got there while he was having it but it really scared us. I've known here lately I've been dealing with some numbness...but I really felt it Sunday. I was able to cry to relieve the stress when my dad had his stroke...even though it was delayed until the next morning when I was laying in bed. Nevertheless, I cried. On the way home this past Sunday, I was listening to my meloncholy music again...hoping to feel something, but it didn't happen. I got teary eyed but the tears just never broke through. Instead, I'm sleep deprived and I haven't been treating my body very well the past few days...well I've been treating it worse than usual.
My dad used this incident to remind me to take better care of myself. This has always been a sore spot in times past since he had me dieting pretty much from the age of five until my teen years. But I'm reminded of two lines that Randy Pausch spoke, "When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the ones telling you they still love you and care. " and also he said "If I could only give three words of advice, they would be, "Tell the Truth." If I got three more words, I'd add, "All the time." Well, if I want to live my life practicing these kinds of values, who am I to keep other people from practicing them on me? I'm grownup now and I can take it...besides I know it's the truth. I've got to start being very agressive in changing my health. These days I'm all about the truth. I thirst for truth and want it to seep from me. I still make plenty mistakes trying to live this way. When you are conditioned for so long to live a persona of "I'll make my own mistakes and I don't want to hear what you say" and "The truth can hurt", you eventually learn that you've filtered out the people who truly care and you begin to lie to the people you should care for enough to tell them the way things are.
On a lighter note, even though I've had a rough week there have been some good things. My daughter did well on her standardized test...which was a super huge relief since I haven't been super consistent this year with our routine. I also found out that my sister in law is going to have her first baby...which I intend to spoil rotten. :-) My dad also found out the blockages that caused his heart attack are also responsible for his stroke...(long and drawn out explanation and I get angry thinking about why his doctors didn't catch this before) which is a good thing b/c now that the blockages are gone, there is less chance of another stroke in the future. That is all for now...whew I feel lighter already...kinda like this blogging thing. Thanks for the comment Kimber...it's nice knowing someone's reading. :-)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Lovely music...

Ok, so I made a statement in my last blog about listening to much to meloncholy music...well it may be a little meloncholy sounding but it's still beautiful so I'm going to share...

This one is good too...although I wish I could have found a good version of it in string. This choir sounds nice as well...

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Ok, I know the last blog was pretty brutal. I had a little too much time alone and a little too much coffee I think....and meloncholy music. It's not that I'm not feeling that way, but I'm not usually so dramatic.....always more analytical. In response to all that I've been going through emotionally here lately, a friend asked me if I'd like to vacation at her place for a couple of days to decompress. Well....as nice as it would be to get away, it probably wouldn't be that great taking my 2 yr. old away from his bed for a couple of nights...so that's pretty much out of the question. However, my friend--I should mention she's my mentor as well--has asked to bunk at my house during the Charlotte Mason convention. I'm so excited about her coming over b/c I know it will be like a vacation. She's that kind of person--who takes your mind off everything when she's around....almost like a scenery change. (I hope I can be that way to someone someday :-) )
Speaking of plans, I'm going back to church tomorrow. I'm not going back to the one I like....I'm going back to the one David likes. I feel like I need to give this a shot, not just for him but for me as well. I'm tired of being a scared little girl. Although, I'll admit, I am a bit nervous. I won't only be going to service....I'll be trying the Sunday school as well without David there since he's working. I really wish I could skip another couple of Sundays until David can go, but I know that's not a good excuse. Laurel keeps bugging me too. I think she's doing better than any of us. She's so strong...knows what she believes...knows what she needs to do and what she wants to do. I learn more from her than she does me. She keeps me going sometimes when I feel like just staying stuck. Right now I feel very stuck....which is not a good way to be when you homeschool. (chuckle)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


This is my new big word for the day....surreptitious. I'm beginning to feel like I live my life this way. The definition of this word is: marked by quiet and caution and secrecy; taking pains to avoid being observed.
The truth is, I think I've been doing this so long....that I don't know how to live another way. Part of me wants to scream out loud " Can anyone see that I'm sad??!!!" I lived this way for most of my adolescent years. Back then it was a matter of not being caught by my dad. Because I knew that he would mark off my sadness--and he did--as being something other than what it really was. I got so good at it that I could laugh in a group conversation....I could socialize candidly with people without being afraid. Behind closed doors was a different story. I would cry and cry...listen to sad music...cry some more. I would do stupid things just so I could feel something.
Well....of course I wouldn't do that now...although, I do think it would feel good to cry. I think I've reached a point of numbness that I have no control over. In the old days, it would only take a couple of sad songs to get me going, but no matter how much I try to force it now....it just won't come. The strange thing is, is that I don't know why I'm numb. Well...that's not totally true. I do know that I'm feeling a lack of intimacy in my life right now....someone to truly reach out to. I love my husband and he's a good man but he doesn't know how to handle this side of me, because it's one he's never known. I suppose this is where I should be reaching out to God...yet I feel like He's so far away. I'm really wishing that I could go to the ocean right now. It's one of the only places in the world that makes me feel better....a comfort.
Instead, I've been immersing myself into books. If I can just focus on something without having to think about the "stuff" in my head, I can make it through the days. Darn analytical brain....

Sunday, May 3, 2009


After this week of arguing with David, I have so much on my mind. It's paralyzed me in a sense. I haven't wanted to get anything done....I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. I don't understand why I feel so restricted sometimes. I want to voice my opinions to my husband but it always gets me into trouble. We'll end the argument with him saying he'll listen to me better from now on but then I don't want to tell him anything for fear of getting into another argument. Ok...I realize I'm kinda speaking in code here. I don't know why I still feel the need to keep things a secret even though this blog is supposed to be an outlet of sorts. So, I'm going to try and let my proverbial "hair down".
Well it's all started with my faith. I have so many questions. For example, Yeshua or Jesus?? or does it matter? When did the Christian faith begin b/c historical scholars out there say it's not very old. Is part of faith believing that it is an old faith....and why do they not teach us that in church? When did monotheism TRULY begin since it's claimed that Judaists got it from the Egyptians.? Are there any historians out there that are believers that have proof of monotheism before polytheism?? Should we be celebrating biblical holidays b/c of the bible verse that says "let not one jot nor tittle be taken away"? And why aren't we stoning people according to the old testament if we aren't to take away one jot nor tittle?? Also, how does God feel about believers celebrating Christmas and Easter sense it has pagan origins? Another one is....if I'm to be submissive to my husband, does that mean I need to keep my opinions to myself if he doesn't want them? Also....a recent interest of mine is...how does The Father feel about homosexuals and why do "believers" only take the homosexual part of the verses pertaining to this story when there were many other sins that occured in Sodom? (I read a blog recently about this) Here's another one....if the New testament is supposed to be a shadow of the Old testament and they shouldn't contradict each other....then why do we not keep the real sabbath (Friday sundown to Saturday sundown) holy? I mean...it is a commandment isn't it? Also, I see a LOT of graven images out there these days....does that commandment pertain to what-nots? (I do know people who do not have what-nots for this reason believe it or not) Also, if we are to follow the commandments and celebrate the biblical holidays from the Old testament, should we be stoning people too?? Also, where do Christians get that some of the info from the Old testament does not apply to Gentiles or today's society?
Well....anyway, I have felt lately that I am spiritually...just dead. I don't know what to think, what to feel....and my husband just hasn't taken up the position of "spiritual leader" in our household. I have to fight him to just go to church....this is where some of the arguing came from. I explained to him that I'm tired of being the strong one...trying to teach our children what's right spiritually. I told him that I need him to take the reigns b/c I'm drowning here....we need a church home. I need someone to ask my questions to. Of course this made him angry b/c he feels pressured and pushed....in the meanwhile I feel helpless. He agreed to going to church. However, he doesn't want any part of the church we've been going to b/c it's too "modern". Instead, he wants to go to a church where there's "hellfire and brimstone" preaching....people crying...."old fashioned" worship is what these people call it. Puh-leasssee. I'm so sick of hearing preachers who bash people for dressing a certain way or listening to certain types of music....how important it is to tithe. I loathe this place....my child nor I get fed in this place....nevertheless, this is the arrangement if I want my husband to take the reigns. I have to go now but there will be more later.....