Saturday, July 18, 2009

Interesting night at the movie theater

Lastnight, I decided last minute that I wanted to go to a movie. Ok, so I hate watching movie previews so I wait until 15 minutes after the movie starts to go in. I don't like to spend more time in the theater than I possibly have to b/c well...not sure if it has to do with claustrophobia or sitting in one place for several hours at a time. Well, anyway, I found a good parking spot and just sat there for a few minutes waiting for the preview time to pass. I noticed a woman approaching my car. She's carrying a work box...ya of those that has a handle in the middle and has big compartments on each side. It looked like she had a bunch of stuff from the dollar looked as though some of it had been used. She barely gave an introduction before she was talking about how she fixed sweet potato bread for her mama and how her mama likes it chewy. Then she began to talk about God and started trying to witness to me. Then she tells me that she rescues dogs. She says, "And I wanna tell ya not to approach any pit bulls, but you don't look like the type that'd go fightin' pit bulls." She starts to pull objects out of her workbox: a calculator, "christian" flashcards for kids (she said), some dingy washcloths that she called "face cloths", and some other stuff. She told me this is what she does for a living, rescues dogs and witnesses to people, and that she takes donations for the stuff in her box. I politely told her I had no cash. She says, "Well, thank you for letting me witness to you." I told her that I'm "saved". Well, she talked for about 10 minutes and finally went away. I peeped around the car beside me before I got out, trying to make sure she had put a little distance between us. I didn't see her so I quietly shut my car door and walked past the SUV beside me and there she was again! This time she asks me if I work there. Note: I was wearing a jean skirt, flipflops and a very casual shirt that looked nothing like movie theater employee attire. I think she just used this as another opening line. I politely told her that I was going to watch a movie. She said, (very snippy)"Well I hope you ain't goin to watch Harry's witchcraft." I just smiled (and I winced inside)and kept walking a little...she got in front of me. I have to admit that I've always been afraid to watch Harry Potter b/c the church has preached against it so much, it made me fearful. In truth I haven't read any of the books and have only seen a couple of the movies on private when no one was around. I kinda liked the movies I saw...and I've felt a little rebellious here I wanted to go see the new movie.
She started talking about kids and abortion. She told me she wasn't for abortion but she was ALL for sterilization..LMAO. "If those people didn't want anymore babies, they needed to be sterilized." she said. Then she proceeded to tell me how she worked in Charlotte doing a christian play for kids and something about a fat kid falling off stage or on stage...can't remember. LOL. She told me that she's been divorced twice and she supposes that she just didn't wait on the Lord.
This dragged on for another 10 minutes...and yes...I was going to go see Harry Potter. I didn't tell her though in fear that she might use one of her dingy face cloths on me. lol. Along with her "witnessing" facade, she wore a yellow t-shirt with a precious moments angel on it with a long green skirt. I'm sure she picked this costume purposely. This was just such a strange encounter.
After the movie was over, I parked further out in the parking lot by the only parking lot lamp still on and started reading a book. I read for a few minutes and put my book down. I felt as though I needed to say something to God. I asked, "Why did she have to talk to me?? You know I'm still bitter." I wanted to say more but I just didn't. Everything that lady said and did in that parking lot are some of the very reasons I have been turned off to Christianity "the religion" opposed to just having faith and a relationship with God. Once upon a time, I think I would have really felt compassion for that lady, but this time it was just annoyance. I'm not sure why that is...I think I'm still compassionate...I guess I have some boundaries right now that I didn't know about.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

At an Impasse

In my last two "actual" blogs, I told about my history. I told about my history to show where it's led me b/c as much as you hear people say "The past is in the past", well, let's face it...the past is what makes us who we are. At this point for me, in my life, I am at an impasse where I'm trying to make sense of things that used to be solid to me. Where I'm at now, the walls are made of longer strong and safe.
All my life, I was taught that there is a God in heaven that interacts daily in our lives and blesses us for no other reason other than the fact that we are His children. When I'd wonder what my purpose here on this earth was, I was told that I'm here to glorify God....and most of my life I was ok with this answer. As a matter of fact I was afraid to even question it...thinking that to do so would be blasphemous and would surely damn me or at least get me into heaps of trouble with The Big Guy. I guess you could say that I started questioning things when I began talking with people in my homeschool group about their different beliefs and when I started trying to prove my agnostic brother wrong in his beliefs. Lots of research led me to different questions other than the ones I have always had and was told not to worry about those questions b/c God meant for us not to know everything about everything. Some of the questions I began to ask can be found in this earlier blog called Contemplative.
I was taught that in order to glorify God, that I would have to follow the commandments. Well, most of the commandments I had no trouble with. However, the one that says "Honor thy Father and Mother", I had a lot of trouble with. How could I honor a Father that would make me crumble almost everyday of my life? Of course I fought him....I was feisty. At the end of the day, yes, it made my life harder but at least I felt that there was a piece of me that no one could touch...that was all I had to get my suicidal self through. In case you're dad after a lot of years did apologize and has changed a lot and everyday he thinks about the things he did and tries to find the good in the parenting that he did. I try to help him, b/c as a parent, I understand. He didn't mean to harm us and he did the best that he could.
The next thing is obeying my husband. Okay, my husband and I went to a few different counselors many years ago. I had a big problem being able to tell my husband that my car was having trouble. He would always get mad...don't know why but he did. I told the counselor that I knew very little about cars and had to tell my husband about the problems so we could get them fixed b/c I couldn't just take it to a mechanic myself b/c I had to make sure it was ok to spend money too b/c my husband was in charge of that. My counselor stated that I did the right thing b/c handling car repairs was his job and handling the money was his job too b/c women don't have the logic to handle finances (christian counselor for your info). LMAO Whaaat???? My eyes totally bugged at that point. I did not say anything but thought plenty. Why wasn't I logical enough to handle the money?? I was a single mother before I met my husband living on my own on 7.50 an hour (not on government aid by the way)...and I can't handle finances?? I wanted to tell the counselor about the time my husband wouldn't cut down the big pine trees leaning towards my daughter's part of the house...did I mention my father-in-law said they were about to fall and that a hurricane was on its way? I fought with my husband for two stinkin weeks about this before he finally cut them down...and where was the logic in his thinking? Yet, I was supposed to obey this guy for the rest of my life or glorify God.
If God's ways are higher than my ways, then why does He want me to glorify Him? I must surely look like an ant on this planet from where He resides. What's the point of it? B/c to me it feels like I'm having to feed another man's ego. In my last blog I stated that after I got pregnant with our second child, I started to fall into the "role" that was expected of me. Well, sometimes it can be convenient having to pass over the decision making to someone else b/c it means less thinking for me. Also, sometimes my husband is a bit more objective than I am in certain circumstances...although I don't relate this phenomenon to "logic", I just relate it to lack of passion. LOL. I can be over-passionate about a lot of things so he balances me out in that way. When it comes to what I consider "no-brainers" for me, it tends to be a long, drawn-out decision for my husband. Now, my question is why does it seem like we women are always being put in a position of being "under" someone here on this earth no matter if these people we are "under" make stupid decisions or not? I mean, I know it says all of us are supposed to obey God and my husband has to obey his boss. But, it just never seems like we women get out from under some kind of human authority at home unless we decide to stay single. Why is it necessary, according to what I've been taught, to obey even when the decision making could potentially be risky? This is where things don't line up for me. I truly believe that I have as much right to an opinion and the right to make decisions as any man does....and get away from the bad decisions when they are being made. Which is flawed...the way we are taught from the bible or did some scribe put a few more words in the bible when everybody else was on their lunch break b/c he was ticked at his wife? lol(Yes, I do realize it probably wouldn't have happened this way but you get my meaning)Hmmmm...

Where I'm at now

Ok, so in my last blog I talked about my history and now I'll talk about where I am presently.
After all of the abuse I went through as a child, and after I got out on my own, I decided I would never let any person rule me again. After I got over the shock of being on my own, I grew to love my alone time and finally started learning about myself. I grew up around relatives that were racist and promised myself to never teach any of that to my children. Going out on the streets at night put me in a place of getting to know all different types of people and made me appreciate the fact that we shouldn't judge people b/c everyone wears a different set of shoes in life. I believe that God speaks to everyone in different ways and that there's no set of beliefs that can't be questioned. Don't tell me your way is the only way. (This may sound rebellious but I've seen too many bad things happen when someone is put up on a pedestal) I certainly don't believe that I'm right about everything so don't expect me to think that you are right about everything.
I love learning and think that we all should be in a constant state of learning. School doesn't end after college and I believe we all should continue to learn about people and our surroundings and we should learn to do things better. Don't just accept one group of principles for your life....things change over the years and so does our thinking. I believe God loves me and knows that I am a curious person and is probably ok with this.
I believe marriage is a partnership where I do have more to offer than my good cooking and cleaning skills. I do believe women have just as much right to make decisions as a man does.
I am overweight for many reasons. I punish myself with food...I have PCOS..I don't do enough exercise and if I ever feel like someone is trying to force me to lose weight, I rebel even though I know it helps nothing. If I was told that I am beautiful everyday and accepted in the skin I wear...I think it would be easier for me to change and to accept help with it.
Despite my issues with my husband and his authority, I truly do believe I married a good man. He loves our children and helps me so much with them. He is a hard worker and works hard so I can stay home with our kids. He likes to surprise me when I least expect it. He's pretty understanding when it comes to not having the house clean when the kids have been rough. He's very handsome and doesn't even know it no matter how much I tell him that he is.
After I began homeschooling, I realized that there are many different beliefs even amongst people who call themselves believers of the bible. I don't mean like the differences you see from baptists and presbytarians, but a completely different view of the bible and worship itself. See my blog "Contemplative". I have so many questions about this but my husband hasn't been willing to help me pursue the answers b/c he is in his own spiritual funk right now despite the fact that he told me if I'd get my act together that he'd be able to be the "spiritual head of the household" that he needs to be.
Next blog I'll explain how my past and present has led me to the kind of questions that I've been wanting answered.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Some tunes

I've been playing on singsnap again...I love this me through some hard times when I was younger.

Ok, so this song just happens to be on the soundtrack of Twilight which is one of my fave book series...however...the words to this song in some places fits where I am right now. It's a great song.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

About me

Well, I was thinking about my blog...and about how so far I have yet to really tell about my true self and where I come from. Really, the only info I have about myself in my sidebar only indicates that I'm probably a conservative, religious, homeschooling,desperate (probably indicated in some of my blogs) housewife. I think that over the years I've lost touch with my true qualities that make I would also like to get better at this blogging thing and potentially gain some followers along the way (hint, hint..don't feel pressured lol). I'm sure there are more women out there that are like me and perhaps are having trouble finding their voice like me. So, I'm going to strip away the layers to expose myself as much as I can...(still don't want to use my real name at this point).
I live in the southeast (in the bible belt) and have been here all my life with the exception of going to Guatemala one time on a mission trip. The furthest west I've been is Tennessee and the furthest north is Virginia. I grew up in southern baptist churches (attending only with my mother) while Dad stayed home. My dad was the bread winner...the leader of our home while my mom stayed home with we young'uns and tried to raise us right. Well, my dad was stressed out most of the time from work (he was a wal-mart manager) and he brought home the stress to us in the form of verbal and mental abuse. It didn't help that my mom was a total pushover and wouldn't deal with us herself...always gave it to Dad and then she didn't like the way he handled things. I had a weight problem from the time I was little and can remember being put on diets when I was five years old. When I was 9, my dad would have me weigh on the scales once a week to determine if they needed to cut back on my "chow". I had such a low self-esteem that I contemplated suicide from the age of 9up until I was 18. Most of my childhood was spent living in deep, dark depression. My father was the dictator and no one questioned his authority or shared their feelings and he was the first and last judge on every matter in the house down to the type of clothes and haircuts we wore. All the while, I'd cry in the privacy of my room and mutter about how much I hated life. Eventually, when I became a teenager I grew tired of fighting against peer pressure...trying to be an individual in a society where people were only comfortable with conformists. So, I began taking drugs. Eventually after some extreme circumstances in my life, I decided to quit. I lost weight, gained friends, and began dating (mostly promiscuity). After a bad breakup with my highschool sweetheart, I became number than I already was. Things were esculating at home between my parents. I found out my father was all but prostituting my mother to other men online and eventually I spiraled out of control. I'd sneak out at night and end up in cars with men who were horrible creatures. Eventually, when I turned 17 I snuck out one night to go get cigarettes and met a man on the streets that I began to have a secret affair with for 2 years. Well, it remained a secret for a little more than one year b/c I became pregnant by him when I was 18. His friends called him Omar, however after he disappeared a week before I had our child, I found out that it wasn't his real name. None of my friends or family ever met him and I never saw him again after his disappearance. I only knew he disappeared when I called his number from the hospital only to be answered by new tenants at his apartment. A week before my child was born, my father finally physically abused one of my brothers and one of my friends called the police. All hell broke loose after that and the separation of my parents began while I was in the hospital having my daughter. I moved into an apartment with my mother and brothers temporarily (b/c my mom decided she was going back to my dad) and sought out shelter in a home designed for single mothers in need. I had never been on my own and was controlled all my life so I was in a state of shock when I finally made it on my own...instead of grieving the loss of my child's father and the loss of my family...I became promiscuous once again. I did this by signing onto a really sleezy, cheesy, phone dating service. Little did I know that my wrecklessness would lead me to my husband.
All my life I was taught by my mother to look for a good Christian man and to make sure I was a biblical wife meaning: that I would be submissive to his authority, make sure to take good care of our household, be a good cook, look attractive for him, let him make all the decisions (although I think after my mom's divorce from my dad she saw some error in all of this). Besides, what did I know? I only knew what I didn't want in a husband...I had never been with a truly nice person until I met my husband. Well, when I married my husband, he was a little more than obsessed with me losing much so that I felt that I was in the same boat I had been with my dad all my life. I think he was genuinely concerned for me but what guy doesn't want a pretty wife too? Of course, I rebelled and we fought like cats and dogs b/c there were many other issues as well. We came close to divorce many times and we went to more than one therapists. Eventually, I became pregnant with our first child together and we were finally able to make things start working for us. I finally succumbed to the traditional role of a wife that I was taught. I expected that my husband would fall into his role to since he told me all along that it would be so much easier for him to do this if only I would do my part. (I felt the same way) My husband is a kind man although he has his way about him. He is a small town guy who was raised with the same southern principles as I was. Over the years being with a woman who is strong willed, opinionated, and a little bit controlling herself has made its toll on him too. Ok, so I'm up to current now and I'll talk about that in my next post.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Good times

Well, Hubby finally opened up and talked with me some about the issues that he normally doesn't want to talk about with me. We came to some agreements and hopefully he'll keep to his side of things. I feel a little bit better. I had a great 4th of July and now I plan to get more serious about dieting or "lifestyle changing"....whatever....all the same to me. I really have nothing to get off my chest so this is a good thing I suppose.