Sunday, July 12, 2009

At an Impasse

In my last two "actual" blogs, I told about my history. I told about my history to show where it's led me b/c as much as you hear people say "The past is in the past", well, let's face it...the past is what makes us who we are. At this point for me, in my life, I am at an impasse where I'm trying to make sense of things that used to be solid to me. Where I'm at now, the walls are made of longer strong and safe.
All my life, I was taught that there is a God in heaven that interacts daily in our lives and blesses us for no other reason other than the fact that we are His children. When I'd wonder what my purpose here on this earth was, I was told that I'm here to glorify God....and most of my life I was ok with this answer. As a matter of fact I was afraid to even question it...thinking that to do so would be blasphemous and would surely damn me or at least get me into heaps of trouble with The Big Guy. I guess you could say that I started questioning things when I began talking with people in my homeschool group about their different beliefs and when I started trying to prove my agnostic brother wrong in his beliefs. Lots of research led me to different questions other than the ones I have always had and was told not to worry about those questions b/c God meant for us not to know everything about everything. Some of the questions I began to ask can be found in this earlier blog called Contemplative.
I was taught that in order to glorify God, that I would have to follow the commandments. Well, most of the commandments I had no trouble with. However, the one that says "Honor thy Father and Mother", I had a lot of trouble with. How could I honor a Father that would make me crumble almost everyday of my life? Of course I fought him....I was feisty. At the end of the day, yes, it made my life harder but at least I felt that there was a piece of me that no one could touch...that was all I had to get my suicidal self through. In case you're dad after a lot of years did apologize and has changed a lot and everyday he thinks about the things he did and tries to find the good in the parenting that he did. I try to help him, b/c as a parent, I understand. He didn't mean to harm us and he did the best that he could.
The next thing is obeying my husband. Okay, my husband and I went to a few different counselors many years ago. I had a big problem being able to tell my husband that my car was having trouble. He would always get mad...don't know why but he did. I told the counselor that I knew very little about cars and had to tell my husband about the problems so we could get them fixed b/c I couldn't just take it to a mechanic myself b/c I had to make sure it was ok to spend money too b/c my husband was in charge of that. My counselor stated that I did the right thing b/c handling car repairs was his job and handling the money was his job too b/c women don't have the logic to handle finances (christian counselor for your info). LMAO Whaaat???? My eyes totally bugged at that point. I did not say anything but thought plenty. Why wasn't I logical enough to handle the money?? I was a single mother before I met my husband living on my own on 7.50 an hour (not on government aid by the way)...and I can't handle finances?? I wanted to tell the counselor about the time my husband wouldn't cut down the big pine trees leaning towards my daughter's part of the house...did I mention my father-in-law said they were about to fall and that a hurricane was on its way? I fought with my husband for two stinkin weeks about this before he finally cut them down...and where was the logic in his thinking? Yet, I was supposed to obey this guy for the rest of my life or glorify God.
If God's ways are higher than my ways, then why does He want me to glorify Him? I must surely look like an ant on this planet from where He resides. What's the point of it? B/c to me it feels like I'm having to feed another man's ego. In my last blog I stated that after I got pregnant with our second child, I started to fall into the "role" that was expected of me. Well, sometimes it can be convenient having to pass over the decision making to someone else b/c it means less thinking for me. Also, sometimes my husband is a bit more objective than I am in certain circumstances...although I don't relate this phenomenon to "logic", I just relate it to lack of passion. LOL. I can be over-passionate about a lot of things so he balances me out in that way. When it comes to what I consider "no-brainers" for me, it tends to be a long, drawn-out decision for my husband. Now, my question is why does it seem like we women are always being put in a position of being "under" someone here on this earth no matter if these people we are "under" make stupid decisions or not? I mean, I know it says all of us are supposed to obey God and my husband has to obey his boss. But, it just never seems like we women get out from under some kind of human authority at home unless we decide to stay single. Why is it necessary, according to what I've been taught, to obey even when the decision making could potentially be risky? This is where things don't line up for me. I truly believe that I have as much right to an opinion and the right to make decisions as any man does....and get away from the bad decisions when they are being made. Which is flawed...the way we are taught from the bible or did some scribe put a few more words in the bible when everybody else was on their lunch break b/c he was ticked at his wife? lol(Yes, I do realize it probably wouldn't have happened this way but you get my meaning)Hmmmm...

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