Well, I was thinking about my blog...and about how so far I have yet to really tell about my true self and where I come from. Really, the only info I have about myself in my sidebar only indicates that I'm probably a conservative, religious, homeschooling,desperate (probably indicated in some of my blogs) housewife. I think that over the years I've lost touch with my true qualities that make me...me. I would also like to get better at this blogging thing and potentially gain some followers along the way (hint, hint..don't feel pressured lol). I'm sure there are more women out there that are like me and perhaps are having trouble finding their voice like me. So, I'm going to strip away the layers to expose myself as much as I can...(still don't want to use my real name at this point).
I live in the southeast (in the bible belt) and have been here all my life with the exception of going to Guatemala one time on a mission trip. The furthest west I've been is Tennessee and the furthest north is Virginia. I grew up in southern baptist churches (attending only with my mother) while Dad stayed home. My dad was the bread winner...the leader of our home while my mom stayed home with we young'uns and tried to raise us right. Well, my dad was stressed out most of the time from work (he was a wal-mart manager) and he brought home the stress to us in the form of verbal and mental abuse. It didn't help that my mom was a total pushover and wouldn't deal with us herself...always gave it to Dad and then she didn't like the way he handled things. I had a weight problem from the time I was little and can remember being put on diets when I was five years old. When I was 9, my dad would have me weigh on the scales once a week to determine if they needed to cut back on my "chow". I had such a low self-esteem that I contemplated suicide from the age of 9up until I was 18. Most of my childhood was spent living in deep, dark depression. My father was the dictator and no one questioned his authority or shared their feelings and he was the first and last judge on every matter in the house down to the type of clothes and haircuts we wore. All the while, I'd cry in the privacy of my room and mutter about how much I hated life. Eventually, when I became a teenager I grew tired of fighting against peer pressure...trying to be an individual in a society where people were only comfortable with conformists. So, I began taking drugs. Eventually after some extreme circumstances in my life, I decided to quit. I lost weight, gained friends, and began dating (mostly promiscuity). After a bad breakup with my highschool sweetheart, I became number than I already was. Things were esculating at home between my parents. I found out my father was all but prostituting my mother to other men online and eventually I spiraled out of control. I'd sneak out at night and end up in cars with men who were horrible creatures. Eventually, when I turned 17 I snuck out one night to go get cigarettes and met a man on the streets that I began to have a secret affair with for 2 years. Well, it remained a secret for a little more than one year b/c I became pregnant by him when I was 18. His friends called him Omar, however after he disappeared a week before I had our child, I found out that it wasn't his real name. None of my friends or family ever met him and I never saw him again after his disappearance. I only knew he disappeared when I called his number from the hospital only to be answered by new tenants at his apartment. A week before my child was born, my father finally physically abused one of my brothers and one of my friends called the police. All hell broke loose after that and the separation of my parents began while I was in the hospital having my daughter. I moved into an apartment with my mother and brothers temporarily (b/c my mom decided she was going back to my dad) and sought out shelter in a home designed for single mothers in need. I had never been on my own and was controlled all my life so I was in a state of shock when I finally made it on my own...instead of grieving the loss of my child's father and the loss of my family...I became promiscuous once again. I did this by signing onto a really sleezy, cheesy, phone dating service. Little did I know that my wrecklessness would lead me to my husband.
All my life I was taught by my mother to look for a good Christian man and to make sure I was a biblical wife meaning: that I would be submissive to his authority, make sure to take good care of our household, be a good cook, look attractive for him, let him make all the decisions (although I think after my mom's divorce from my dad she saw some error in all of this). Besides, what did I know? I only knew what I didn't want in a husband...I had never been with a truly nice person until I met my husband. Well, when I married my husband, he was a little more than obsessed with me losing weight...so much so that I felt that I was in the same boat I had been with my dad all my life. I think he was genuinely concerned for me but what guy doesn't want a pretty wife too? Of course, I rebelled and we fought like cats and dogs b/c there were many other issues as well. We came close to divorce many times and we went to more than one therapists. Eventually, I became pregnant with our first child together and we were finally able to make things start working for us. I finally succumbed to the traditional role of a wife that I was taught. I expected that my husband would fall into his role to since he told me all along that it would be so much easier for him to do this if only I would do my part. (I felt the same way) My husband is a kind man although he has his way about him. He is a small town guy who was raised with the same southern principles as I was. Over the years being with a woman who is strong willed, opinionated, and a little bit controlling herself has made its toll on him too. Ok, so I'm up to current now and I'll talk about that in my next post.