Friday, January 29, 2010

Sorry I've Neglected This Blog :)

Sorry I haven't posted on this blog in a while. You may have figured out by now that I have been spending a lot of time on my weight loss blog . Things have been pretty good. I haven't felt well for many weeks and finally found out I have I've finally been able to get help with that.
  On the homefront, things have gotten a lot better. My husband and I finally talked about a lot of things several weeks ago. I brought up my doubts about his faithfulness and we have finally been able to put things to rest on that issue meaning we had great sex . I no longer fear he's been a bad boy...although he understood why I might have. He really sucks at communicating sometimes. We talked about that too. It was like pulling fingernails at first or like a boxing match in which someone gets their ear bit off , but I can be happy that my husband is a pushover teachable. He was mad....I was mad, but in the end he came back to me.
  We talked about the lies....the stupid little lies I catch him in. He said generally he doesn't tell many and the ones he does tell is b/c he's afraid of me being disappointed in him....and this really surprised me. I explained to him that I know I am not perfect and I certainly do not expect perfection from him, so there's no need to lie. We talked about intimacy. I told him I felt like I lost my best friend. I asked him (in an angry way) how many more limitations is he going to set upon me about what I can and can't talk about? Then I listed those things. He needed that....I think he finally realized that he had pushed me away to the point that we couldn't even have lengthy conversations anymore. So, we took off the limitations....and it has been wonderful.
   We haven't talked about the racism issue...however, there have been developments. My brother and his Korean girlfriend have spent many weekends with us. This is a big deal for my husband. I think my husband is warming up to her. She's ultra sweet, good with our kids, she makes my brother spend lots of time with his family (lol) and she's very funny. I know his problem is with interracial relationships and not against ethnicities themselves....but, they are staying here at my house, together....and that is what the big deal is. So, I'm hoping that this is a chain that will go on and on.
   As for me, I seem to be digging myself out of this box of cookies depression hole. My hormones have leveled out a good bit and that improves my disposition by 100% so I'm not a raging loon anymore . I think the weight loss blog has helped too.....just blogging in general has been such a relief since I talk too much in real life and no one wants to listen...hahaha.
   So, it feels nice to not moan and complain blog positively for a change. I will be posting more soon. I want to talk about Haiti, homosexuality, and maybe some politics......yeah, I feel like being brave. Don't worry...I have no will be ponderings as usual since I talk too much in real life and no one wants to listen...hahaha. lol :o) Thanks for reading. ;-) PS: Look at me! I did strike throughs. hahaha ;-) (yes I winked again...I'm on a roll). By the way, this is my 50th post! Yay!

Monday, January 18, 2010

My New Weight Loss Blog!!

Ok, so I've talked about doing this for a while and now I have finally done it. I have a new weight loss/PCOS blog. I am inspired by many different bloggers everyday by their weight loss blogs. I see how their blogs have served as an essential tool in their weight loss success, so now I am giving it a try. Hopefully I will learn a lot through this experience and hopefully I'll be able to pass along some knowledge to help others along the way. So, please, please come over to my new blog, Saving My Life: A Weight Loss/PCOS Blog and show me some love by being followers. I've got a long way to go and need the support. :)
  I will still be posting on this blog when I have deep philosophical questions and when I feel the need to whine about stay tuned. Oh, and a music blog is in the works as well. :)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hey Fit

Since you're still not receiving comments on your blog, I thought I might try sending a message via my blog. You know who you are. :) I hope you are ok and know that you are in my thoughts a lot....I'm praying for you. Please let us know how things are going and what you found out....have been thinking about you. I know things are hard, but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel....I'm sure of it. Take care, and many blessings to you my Canadian friend.   Love, Kim

Good Riddance Box

Ok, I totally saw this on TV...something they did in NY and my attempt to duplicate it won't be perfect but nevertheless, I'm hoping everyone will be onboard with this. Ok, anything that sucked about 2009...write it in a comment on my blog and say "Good Riddance" to it. My blog is not a shredder but we'll pretend it is...ok? So, all you lurkers and all of my known readers, feel free to get it off your chest....RE-LEASE!!! Say as many good riddances as you want! I'll go first....

I say good riddance to being so passive.
I say good riddance to belly rolls and other
I say good riddance to financial hardship.
I say good riddance to people who pose as friends but are not truly friends.
I say good riddance to Sarah Palin.....seriously...enough already!!! Gah!
I say good riddance to the AFA....b/c you guys don't get all your facts straight and still aske me for money.Blah! Humbug!

C'est la vie

What are the limits...the boundaries in which we settle with what we have in life? Some would say never settle, some would say be grateful for what you have, and some people would simply say life is hard...and work with the hand you're dealt. As for me...I'm confused....and I live all these statements constantly.
   Recently, I was talking with an old friend from highschool. He asked me if I was happy and really hoped I was happy, b/c he said that it made him happy to know I'm happy. He said on Facebook it seems that I am rather fond of my life. I told him that I am fond of my life and everyday that we are still breathing is a blessing......and I was telling the truth, but not the whole truth. I did tell him that there were hard decisions I made when I don't think I was really old enough or wise enough to make such decisions. I've had to live with those decisions every day of my life....and I find myself constantly having to make more hard decisions as I get older....decisions I'm still not quite sure I'm wise enough to make.
   On my second date with my husband, he told me that Huntington's Disease runs in his family. Huntington's is a hereditary disease. If you have a parent who has it, then there is a 50% chance of you having it. My husband's mother died at the age of 54 of Huntington's. There is a 50% chance that he has it he told me. He wanted me to know upfront. Of course, me being the eternal optimist back then, told him that there's no way to know how each of us will die and it would be stupid of me not to continue our relationship based on what may be or may not be. Now I live in fear that my beautiful son may or may not have this disease later in life.
  Then I made another decision. My husband told me he did not believe in biracial marriage or biracial for me, I'm basically colorblind. Before I met my husband, I generally didn't date American men....period. Recently I found out that my husband thinks that white people should be the only ones in presidency in this country b/c they are "the majority".  He told me nothing would ever change how he feels on this subject. Wanna know how I found this out? My brother recently started dating a sweet, sweet girl from Korea. My husband made a comment about it and from there we began arguing. I asked him if he remembers that our daughter is biracial. He said "It's not her fault". Whoa....I've still been chewing on this for weeks and weeks now. Back when I was younger, I just thought it was something we would agree to disagree on and now I have a bitter taste in my mouth all the time. I will say that my husband has been least it seems. He let my brother and his girlfriend stay over for two nights and told her that she was welcome back anytime. I hope this is progress rather than him avoiding a fight.
   A good while back, I was asking my husband some intimate questions. He told me he doesn't feel the need to tell me about every little detail of his life....of course this raised a big red flag for me. I asked him if he'd ever been unfaithful. He told me no and diverted by bringing up something I had done in the past....he was livid. When the argument was over, he finally admitted that I had good reason to be suspicious about his statement. He just kept asking me "When would I ever have the time to cheat on you?" This has not been over for me....I still have a nagging feeling and I'm not quite sure what to do. I really feel like he's hiding something from me....yet I have no way of finding out. I catch him in stupid little lies a lot...who's to say he couldn't be telling bigger ones? Maybe I'm being paranoid??
  I finally decided one day to share with my husband some of my views on politics and religion. My views have changed a lot over the years and I felt compelled to share this with him. He told me in an exasperated tone that I am too "middle of the road" and the conversation ended. I no longer feel like I can share my views on anything....I feel intelligent when I speak to like minded individuals but feel like a dumbass when I speak with my I keep my mouth shut. Is it really so important that I get to share my views with my husband?? I don't know.  I do know what I feel....I feel like I have metamorphasized into someone different than the small town single mom my husband once knew.
   I will have to attend Independent Baptist churches for the rest of my marriage....which wouldn't be a bad thing if I didn't disagree with a lot of what they say. I will say that I do like the church we've been visiting, however, I know I will have to wear a mask there like I have to wear at all the other churches we attend. I have to be so careful with what I say on my Facebook....God forbid I post a status update that says I'm watching a rated R movie....or post any songs that aren't hymnals...b/c the preacher told me that I've been monitored by the one lady I have from the congregation on my friend list. Oh boy.
   I feel like my husband and I are not as intimate as we used to be. We used to talk about a lot of things...conversation is so limited now. And he has let me know in the past that I talk too I try to control that now. We are currently arguing about intimacy. He dismissed my feelings on a particular matter and I told him he's being self-centered and selfish.....not sure if I'll stick to my guns. I usually try to patch things up after a while which will mean I'll probably apologize for calling him self-centered and selfish (sigh). Does this happen in all marriages? Do you compromise to keep the peace or let things blow over b/c it's just not worth arguing? I see marriages falling apart around me and sometimes I'm scared that my husband and I will outgrow eachother.
    I am fond of many things in my life. I love my children. I love that I get to stay home with them and homeschool. I'm thankful for a husband who provides the opportunity for me to do this. I'm thankful that my husband loves God. I'm thankful that my husband is helpful and values the meaning of family. I'm thankful that he helps me when I need it and he's a good father. I'm thankful that he understands that I need "me" time. I'm thankful for the times that my husband and I laugh together and thankful for when he's concerned about me. Am I settling?? I don't know. Am I working with the hand I was dealt? Yes...absolutely. Is it enough to work with what I was dealt? I don't know. What are the limits...the boundaries in which we settle with what we have in life? Do we measure our happiness? Do we continue the path for the ones we love? I just do not know.
  If I could go back and answer my friend's question again...I think maybe I'd have answered a little differently. I'd say, I am thankful for the good things that I have in my life b/c I know not everyone has "good things". I'd say that maybe I'm not completely satisfied with life and sometimes I'm very apprehensive about what tomorrow brings and how I'll cope with it. I'd say....I am dealing with as much optimism as I can muster but complaining about it on my blog when I have the chance. I would say everyday we are still breathing is a blessing. (smiles)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Southern Sickness

This past Friday my granny died....granny who never drove a day of her life, granny who didn't finish school, granny who only saw the ocean once, granny who at one time thought she had worms under her skin so she picked at her skin until she had sores all over her b/c she thought she was getting the worms out...granny who I never got extremely close to b/c my Dad didn't think we should be around my Mom's family much.
   My Mom's family lives in rural south Georgia. There are many pine trees, lots of open country, primitive churches, lots of teenage pregnancies, lots of illiteracy and lots of abuse. My mother lived in poverty when she was young and my Granny gave her up to an aunt and uncle when she was 14. That aunt and uncle took real good care of my mom, probably the reason why I am here today b/c chances are my mom would have ended up marrying a backwoods preacher or a drunk if she'd have stayed there.
   The latest drama in the family includes: a cousin who poisoned his mom and dad's cat, an aunt who is on so many prescription drugs that she hullucinates about people banging on her windows at night and helicopters flying over her house searching for members of an elite drug ring, a cousin who was in a car crash that killed people, a cousin who is taking care of her schizophrenic mom and schizophrenic sister, aunts who went to the nursing home immediately after my granny died to collect possessions that they gave her, my grandpa selling his prescription meds to young people, cousin who strips for a living and makes big bucks..........some of these things are true and some of them I hope are not true.
  When someone dies in my Mom's family, everyone comes together...which is a big deal considering my Mother is one of eleven children, I'm one of 23 grandchildren, and there are many great grandchildren. Yes, everyone gets together and sings old hymnals, talks about how Granny is finally in heaven, and gossips about the latest family scandals.
   I can't help but think that all of this is why religion is so strong in the rural south. Many people live depressing and wasteful lives. If they didn't have heaven and God to cling on to, what purpose would there be to their depressing lives?  My granny made babies but didn't take care of them much and my grandpa was an alcoholic...she sat by the window looking out letting the days pass by in her sorrow and she wrote poems about it. Here's one of them....I think she was a beautiful poet.

When I die please don't weep,

I am not dead, I'm only asleep;
My body will rise, when the trumpet blows,
And with my savior I shall go;
My Heavenly Host my Lord and Savior,
With him I shall live forever;
When I die please don't weep,
I am not dead I'm only asleep.
Asleep in Jesus,Oh how I yearn,
For my Lord and Savior to return;
He will gather His children both young and old,
Onto His bosom He shall hold.
So much glory, so much love,
Forever with Jesus in Heaven above

My Granny's poetry and her children are her only physical legacies she left behind.  They wept for her heavily regardless of the fact that most of them have extremely tattered lives. I suppose this is what family is and I suppose this is what having God means...being able to forgive and forget so they can come together to comfort eachother in times of sadness.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Such is the life of a SAHM

It's been a while, I know. I appreciate the messages while I've been away from my blog....the messages from my lurkers and from my frequent readers. I was busy for quite a while....

going to the's some pics I took...that's my daughter with our neighbor/her good friend.

then there were my daughter's many play rehearsals and 9 performances.....she was in Charlotte's Web... Here's my son eating goodies at the play.

My daughter played as one of the judges at the fair and a baby spider.
This mommy was so proud! This was her first time acting and it was for a real town theatre! :o)

Then there was soccer...

This pic was from last year, but you get the point.

Then there was.....

and no this was not my table setting (I wish I was this creative and colorful). LOL

Also, I've been reading a LOT. I've read 8 of the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris, My Sister's Keeper, Time Traveler's Wife, and now I'm reading The Lovely Bones. I go through novels like I change diapers....very many and all the time. lol Of course, I don't read just b/c I love to I've stated before, I am a thinker. My brain is streaming thoughts constantly. Sometimes reading helps my brain stay tuned to a few channels rather than a gazillion. If I didn't read, there would be lots of blogging, but I'd never get anything done either. Sometimes my reading addiction interferes with things I have to do as well, but it's easier to take a break at a new chapter rather than taking a break in the middle of a paragraph I'm writing. Know what I mean?? So, now you are caught up with what's been going on in my life. I figured it's only fair since I've been able to read your wonderful new blog entries and I've put nothing out there for a while. There is more to come....