Monday, June 29, 2009

Feeling good

So, after sleeping in until 10:30 this morning (thank you David for getting up with the baby), I feel soooo much better. I think between sleeping more and cutting out junk food...I think this would help with my moods so much. I know sleep has been a big issue lately. I am a night owl and my son isn't. We clash so much b/c of this. I'm just going to have to get to bed earlier. I also want to try eating clean. It's been a while since I've done this b/c I am a sugar addict and also it tends to cost more money when I want to eat super healthy. We've been ordering the Angel Food boxes from Angel food ministries. It saves a lot of money but they have so much processed food in the boxes sometimes. I don't like eating the food but it's been difficult financially lately with David's hour cuts. Also, when I don't feel good mentally, I tend to exuberate my ickiness by eating the wrong foods...which makes me feel even more yucky. So...sleep good..clean food good...staying up bad...processed food...really bad!
I also have to say, I have been reading the most uplifting blogs out there in blogger world. Thank you so much for your really does rub off. Ok, so I'm hoping to be in a good mood tomorrow as well. In order for me to do that, I'd better go to bed.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Some days...

Some days I get so stressed and so depressed...that I have trouble breathing. I don't hyperventilate like some people do during panic attacks but I feel like my body is so tensed and compressed that I can't breathe. I've had so many days like this lately. I know I said I was out of my funk...but oh how it can come back so easily. I think years of trying to be what other people want me to be (not being successful at it of course) and being a therapist to everyone around me has finally taken its toll. My husband told me a few days ago that my worrying would put me in an early grave. I think he's right...although he does nothing to help alleviate some of my worries. I know he's not responsible for my feelings but it's his notion about marriage that makes me think about it this way sometimes. He's told me that as a husband he will provide the way he's supposed to and naturally I would do my part and somehow this would make a good marriage. Except for falling short in the losing weight department...I've pretty much done what he's wanted of me. Sometimes I feel cheated. I feel like as the years pass, he becomes more emotionally unavailable to me..less intimate. Although, I guess in his opinion he would probably say "Why would we need to do all of that?...We've been married long enough we shouldn't have to worry about that stuff anymore...we know eachother." I think as a woman I still have this deep need to connect with someone on a deep level even though I do not try to get too close to people outside of my closest relationship with my husband. He's really the only person I rant to on a regular basis...and I know this frustrates him. He's a man of few words and it's hard being married to a talker...and a complainer. I know I should be taking all of my concerns to God, but well, I just haven't felt like it lately. I guess I'm looking for audible responses to my rants...and don't wanna have to go lookin' for signs. It's been so many years since I've struggled with depression, that it's been hard for me to recognize if this is what I'm going through now. I used to cry so much then...along with feeling the ache deep in the pit of my stomach. I feel the ache now...and I cried for the first time in a long time this week...but it just wasn't enough. I strained to cry this week...I think it was easier to cry b/c I've been so sleep deprived due to my early rising two year old. Also, my husband made me angry. It takes a lot of anger for me to cry...and I was pretty mad this week.
I keep reading all of these upbeat blogs and they are deeply inspiring and I do follow them. I follow them unanimously b/c I'm a little embarassed that mine isn't that happy sounding. I guess I'm just hoping that all of this ventalating will lead to a clean slate where I can begin to be positive again.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

And another one...

Ok so here's another one and I won't even put the original on here b/c no one can compare to Stevie and everyone knows this song...I love Fleetwood Mac!

More music

Ok, so here's some more music...I really enjoy singing this one even if I'm off key a bit. :-)

Here's the original so you know what it's supposed to sound

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Out of the funk

Well, I think I'm finally starting to feel a little better about things. I'm seriously making an effort. I'm starting to realize I stress out too much...and it's not good b/c stress hormones wreak havoc on your body in EVERY way. I feel the winds of change...just not sure how to proceed. I think I'll start first by cleaning my house. That always makes me feel better. I also want to clean out junk and maybe have a small yard sale. My husband thinks it's absurd for me to try another one b/c last time there were people who stole from me. This time will be different b/c I will have someone there to help. I don't know who...but I will have help. lol. My fantasy is to somehow sell enough stuff to raise just enough money to go somewhere for a couple of days. This is not probable but it's my fantasy and I'm gonna run with it. I keep hearing about friends who just went to the beach or they are going to the beach or the mountains...I really think I'd be OK with just pretending...either way a little money earned is a good thing.
I'm going to really start trying to lose weight again. I know I've got to start taking all my supplements too if it's going to work. My energy and ability to metabolize sugar is wrapped up a lot in these little supplements. I have Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome and my insulin resistance is horrible. I'm going to start walking too. I know that exercise is going to be key in making weight loss work this time.
I am a complainer by nature...don't know why but I am. I'm becoming annoyed with this fickle trait of mine. I can go so long without complaining and all of a sudden I just *POP* and it won't stop. lol I read other blogs of women friends that seem to have it together really well and one thing I notice is that they don't complain. Maybe a positive outlook is really key to bringing that proverbial "See the cup as half full" persona to life.
I think another contribution to the "funk" I've been experiencing is some of the people I associate myself with. When you talk to people who complain a IS going to rub off on you. I'm not sure how to address this b/c I truly do value the people that do have a tendency to do this. What I mean is, the complaining is only a flaw and all my friends do have many things I love about them regardless. God knows I have many flaws. This is all for now...I will be adding more later about my attitude change. :-)

Monday, June 15, 2009

Summer Hobby

Ok, so every summer I start up my special hobby again. Ok, so you're probably asking "Why only summer?". Well, it's so addictive that I have to reserve ample time to do during the school year it's just not possible. This song I've embedded is one my favorite daughter loves it too. I think about her when I hear these lyrics. So, don't laugh at me for liking karaoke...and try to not laugh at my voice too much. LOL. Also, you may have to adjust the volume on the frame itself or your personal volume to make it sound right. Enjoy!

Here is the original version of this song b/c I know my voice won't do it justice...not to mention the karaoke version of this song is flawed in my recording. Here it is:

Sunday, June 14, 2009


OK, I have a couple of big decisions I have to make. I have less than 24 hours to decide if I want to join my county homeschool group again for the year. After all of the things I've seen take place in the past couple of years in my group...I ask myself, "Is it really worth it and is my family really getting good things from it?". After seeing many arguments take place and having a few words of my own in the mix, I just don't know. I've heard about things taking place that I just want nothing to do with. I've actually thought about making my own group...but of course that would put me in a position of leadership that I'm just not sure I'm ready for yet. I was talking with my mentor of "a lot of years" and she told me that her homeschool group is an unashamedly Christian group, however they accept anyone who wants to be in their group. I really wish I could be apart of a group like that. How can we teach our children diversity if we set up so many rules that it alienates outsiders? I am weary of such rules and arguments. Nevertheless, I have made many good friends from being apart of this group too and so has my's hard to not imagine being apart of this group of people. I do want to teach my child that we live in the world and we need to be out in it learning about people. But, it seems like every year this group does what it can to rid itself of different people or "unwanted elements". That may be harsh but it's the way I see it. Ok, so that's my first dilemma.
Second dilemma is deciding to stay in a friendship. I've almost up to my neck in frustration with this person that is so many years older than me. It truly feels like I spend most of my time feeling like I'm talking to a teenager. I've come to a point in my life that I realize I'm so done with childishness (in the adult form). I think the last straw was last week when she called me, telling me she was lost in the dark rain (she had a drink and was a bit tipsy) and had not a clue how to get home. I asked her if she wanted me to use Mapquest to find out where she was so I could come get her. She said yes, but she wouldn't pull over and just hysterically laughed the whole time I was on the phone with her. She didn't want to tell her husband what she had done and was actually frustrated with him b/c he didn't ask her how her night was. Sheesh. She wants to get together with me for coffee this week but I just don't really want to. Even that has become an aggravation. The three times...she's told she didn't have enough money for coffee so I volunteered to buy it for her, yet every time before she leaves, she still buys a drink for her husband. money to buy coffee for her but she has it for her husband?? Why am I buying your coffee lady?? The more I look at what I'm saying here, I feel a bit petty...and I'm not really sure where all of it's coming from. I just feel like I'm in a place right now where my ability to relate to people is very fragile. I really need to pray about this...I know this ventilating is not the best way to solve any problems. Anyhoo, I still feel a little lighter after writing it all down.

Monday, June 8, 2009


I'm so happy this week b/c my brother has come home from California. He'll be shipped to Germany soon so he thought it might be good if he came and saw us. We haven't seen him in over a year so we were all really excited. He came to my house this weekend along with my other brother Joey. The first night Paul and I stayed up until 6 am just talking...second night we stayed up until 4 am. We played Rockband along with my husband which was a load of fun b/c we really get into it. At one point my brother Joey took his shirt off and sprayed water all over himself to "look the part" of a drummer. lol We played Clue which Laurel just brother won and of course he wanted to play again. lol
The only thing that still saddens me is my brother Paul's disbelief in God. It is a sore subject for him so we don't really talk about it. I'm still praying though...