Some days I get so stressed and so depressed...that I have trouble breathing. I don't hyperventilate like some people do during panic attacks but I feel like my body is so tensed and compressed that I can't breathe. I've had so many days like this lately. I know I said I was out of my funk...but oh how it can come back so easily. I think years of trying to be what other people want me to be (not being successful at it of course) and being a therapist to everyone around me has finally taken its toll. My husband told me a few days ago that my worrying would put me in an early grave. I think he's right...although he does nothing to help alleviate some of my worries. I know he's not responsible for my feelings but it's his notion about marriage that makes me think about it this way sometimes. He's told me that as a husband he will provide the way he's supposed to and naturally I would do my part and somehow this would make a good marriage. Except for falling short in the losing weight department...I've pretty much done what he's wanted of me. Sometimes I feel cheated. I feel like as the years pass, he becomes more emotionally unavailable to me..less intimate. Although, I guess in his opinion he would probably say "Why would we need to do all of that?...We've been married long enough we shouldn't have to worry about that stuff anymore...we know eachother." I think as a woman I still have this deep need to connect with someone on a deep level even though I do not try to get too close to people outside of my closest relationship with my husband. He's really the only person I rant to on a regular basis...and I know this frustrates him. He's a man of few words and it's hard being married to a talker...and a complainer. I know I should be taking all of my concerns to God, but well, I just haven't felt like it lately. I guess I'm looking for audible responses to my rants...and don't wanna have to go lookin' for signs. It's been so many years since I've struggled with depression, that it's been hard for me to recognize if this is what I'm going through now. I used to cry so much then...along with feeling the ache deep in the pit of my stomach. I feel the ache now...and I cried for the first time in a long time this week...but it just wasn't enough. I strained to cry this week...I think it was easier to cry b/c I've been so sleep deprived due to my early rising two year old. Also, my husband made me angry. It takes a lot of anger for me to cry...and I was pretty mad this week.
I keep reading all of these upbeat blogs and they are deeply inspiring and I do follow them. I follow them unanimously b/c I'm a little embarassed that mine isn't that happy sounding. I guess I'm just hoping that all of this ventalating will lead to a clean slate where I can begin to be positive again.