contemplative

After this week of arguing with David, I have so much on my mind. It's paralyzed me in a sense. I haven't wanted to get anything done....I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. I don't understand why I feel so restricted sometimes. I want to voice my opinions to my husband but it always gets me into trouble. We'll end the argument with him saying he'll listen to me better from now on but then I don't want to tell him anything for fear of getting into another argument. Ok...I realize I'm kinda speaking in code here. I don't know why I still feel the need to keep things a secret even though this blog is supposed to be an outlet of sorts. So, I'm going to try and let my proverbial "hair down".
Well it's all started with my faith. I have so many questions. For example, Yeshua or Jesus?? or does it matter? When did the Christian faith begin b/c historical scholars out there say it's not very old. Is part of faith believing that it is an old faith....and why do they not teach us that in church? When did monotheism TRULY begin since it's claimed that Judaists got it from the Egyptians.? Are there any historians out there that are believers that have proof of monotheism before polytheism?? Should we be celebrating biblical holidays b/c of the bible verse that says "let not one jot nor tittle be taken away"? And why aren't we stoning people according to the old testament if we aren't to take away one jot nor tittle?? Also, how does God feel about believers celebrating Christmas and Easter sense it has pagan origins? Another one is....if I'm to be submissive to my husband, does that mean I need to keep my opinions to myself if he doesn't want them? Also....a recent interest of mine is...how does The Father feel about homosexuals and why do "believers" only take the homosexual part of the verses pertaining to this story when there were many other sins that occured in Sodom? (I read a blog recently about this) Here's another one....if the New testament is supposed to be a shadow of the Old testament and they shouldn't contradict each other....then why do we not keep the real sabbath (Friday sundown to Saturday sundown) holy? I mean...it is a commandment isn't it? Also, I see a LOT of graven images out there these days....does that commandment pertain to what-nots? (I do know people who do not have what-nots for this reason believe it or not) Also, if we are to follow the commandments and celebrate the biblical holidays from the Old testament, should we be stoning people too?? Also, where do Christians get that some of the info from the Old testament does not apply to Gentiles or today's society?
Well....anyway, I have felt lately that I am spiritually...just dead. I don't know what to think, what to feel....and my husband just hasn't taken up the position of "spiritual leader" in our household. I have to fight him to just go to church....this is where some of the arguing came from. I explained to him that I'm tired of being the strong one...trying to teach our children what's right spiritually. I told him that I need him to take the reigns b/c I'm drowning here....we need a church home. I need someone to ask my questions to. Of course this made him angry b/c he feels pressured and pushed....in the meanwhile I feel helpless. He agreed to going to church. However, he doesn't want any part of the church we've been going to b/c it's too "modern". Instead, he wants to go to a church where there's "hellfire and brimstone" preaching....people crying...."old fashioned" worship is what these people call it. Puh-leasssee. I'm so sick of hearing preachers who bash people for dressing a certain way or listening to certain types of music....how important it is to tithe. I loathe this place....my child nor I get fed in this place....nevertheless, this is the arrangement if I want my husband to take the reigns. I have to go now but there will be more later.....