This is my new big word for the day....surreptitious. I'm beginning to feel like I live my life this way. The definition of this word is: marked by quiet and caution and secrecy; taking pains to avoid being observed.
The truth is, I think I've been doing this so long....that I don't know how to live another way. Part of me wants to scream out loud " Can anyone see that I'm sad??!!!" I lived this way for most of my adolescent years. Back then it was a matter of not being caught by my dad. Because I knew that he would mark off my sadness--and he did--as being something other than what it really was. I got so good at it that I could laugh in a group conversation....I could socialize candidly with people without being afraid. Behind closed doors was a different story. I would cry and cry...listen to sad music...cry some more. I would do stupid things just so I could feel something.
Well....of course I wouldn't do that now...although, I do think it would feel good to cry. I think I've reached a point of numbness that I have no control over. In the old days, it would only take a couple of sad songs to get me going, but no matter how much I try to force it now....it just won't come. The strange thing is, is that I don't know why I'm numb. Well...that's not totally true. I do know that I'm feeling a lack of intimacy in my life right now....someone to truly reach out to. I love my husband and he's a good man but he doesn't know how to handle this side of me, because it's one he's never known. I suppose this is where I should be reaching out to God...yet I feel like He's so far away. I'm really wishing that I could go to the ocean right now. It's one of the only places in the world that makes me feel better....a comfort.
Instead, I've been immersing myself into books. If I can just focus on something without having to think about the "stuff" in my head, I can make it through the days. Darn analytical brain....