I'm sick of religion....by religion, I mean the practice of religion but not really understanding the heart of God. I do not claim to understand everything about my Heavenly Father, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want us judging people.
Here recently, I've been trying to send a friend request via Facebook to an old friend. It's been several months that I've been trying this. Each time...nothing happens. I finally sent a message along with a friend request and I got a reply. My message was along the lines of this: "Hi, I'm beginning to wonder if my friend requests are even making it through. If it's not a technical error, I hope you'll let me know if I've offended you in some way b/c I'd certainly like the opportunity to apologize for any past wrong."
Now, before I continue with this story I should let you know that this lady is the daughter of one of my old mentors. She and I were friends in church youth group. When I was in the process of trying to become a missionary she was my "best" friend, but as soon as I got pregnant she dumped me. She came back after I had my daughter. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding, but after the wedding she dumped me. She'd never give warning...she'd just ignore me and when I say ignore, I mean blatantly IGNORE. I'd try to say hi to her at mutual friends' birthday parties and she'd hardly say "hi". Well, her mother spent a lot of time with me in our teen years....she had been through what I'd been through. I always figured if I needed to apologize that it'd be for taking up so much time with her mother, but instead her reply went something like this: " I'm just now at a point in my life where I can say your name without it stabbing me in the heart. I understand that you were in a rough place in your life back then but there were decisions that you had control over. You got pregnant out of wedlock, you slept around, and bragged about it. I never understood why people who did these things would even have beliefs in God in the first place. I finally have peace in my life and choose to filter out things.I was angry at my mother for years for condoning your sins and not condoning mine (which is totally false...her mother never condoned my sins)" This is not verbatim...that would have taken too long, but you get it. Well, I sent an email back explaining how it hurt when she abandoned me so many times and at the end of the email I devoted a big paragraph to apologizing for the pain I caused her (although her pain was apparently caused by the sins I committed against my own life) , which is all fine and good. I truly believe that even if I don't understand how I offend, that it's my place to apologize for the bad feelings I caused anyhow.
She sent an email back to me that said she skipped over most of the email except the last paragraph (b/c she didn't want to rehash the past..."seriously"). I didn't rehash the past....I even said a lot of good things I remember about being friends with her, but she chose to skip to the apology. She didn't state whether or not I'm forgiven and she didn't acknowledge the wrong she did either. I sent back a message saying, " I'm glad you are at peace now and I hope at some point you'll read the rest of the email. I truly hope that we can be friends again one day. Take as much time as you need...one, two, three, four, five, six, seven etc. years."
This is how I left it. I guess it probably hurts so badly b/c not only does she have my mom as a friend on her Facebook...she also completely disregards the fact that I am a changed person. She never rebuked me for my wrongs...never warned me that she couldn't be around me, but I am like a plague to her. She only sees me for what I was over ten years ago. All of my friends from church during that time abandoned me....my christian friends. I've never understood that kind of belief system. I could understand if I was bringing harm to other people...I could even understand if I wasn't trying to turn away from my "sin" stricken life, but this wasn't the case. I was a broken kid with broken ways and the people I needed the most left me. And now....I'm still being reminded of my dirty past and it hurts...soooo badly.
Doesn't God want us as believers to take care of those who need it most? Doesn't God want us to forgive and try to forget? Does God want us to shun people who are wayward? In the scheme of things, is putting someone out of your life forever really going to be the remedy for moving on? Sometimes it's necessary of course, when someone has caused you or a loved one physical harm...or in the case of a person who is using you for money. You get what I mean....there are some circumstances. I've always had the understanding that God the Father loves his children and sometimes allows things to happen to teach His children when they are sinning. Is it our place to make sure those consquences happen or is it God's job?
What does it say about so-called believers when they only associate themselves with people who are doing "good"? I do not care to live my life this way. If a couple of people had not stayed in my life through my hard times, there's no telling where I'd be now....I'm so thankful they didn't give up on me. I will not give up on people b/c of that.
Well, just in case some of you were wondering where I fell off to...now ya know. I've been pouting...or something like that. I immersed myself into Farmville on Facebook....and that's where I've been hiding. I think I should have blogged when it originally happened....probably would have bounced back easier, but better late than never I suppose.