My Grandaddy

POD from the blog Thufferin Thuccotash-Surviving and Laughing , has asked for all of us that have been effected by cancer in some way, to write about it in our blogs to support the cause Live Strong Day.

I will take this opportunity to write about my Grandaddy who died of complications due to lung cancer three years ago.

My Grandaddy was diagnosed with lung cancer. He smoked when he was young, but also quit when he was young (once he found out about the health risks)....so he had went many, many years without smoking. However, it still took its toll later in life. His cancer was found early, and he was even in remission before he died. He had even survived colon cancer in previous years. However, his lungs kept filling up with fluid, so he was scheduled to have a procedure done that would keep his lungs from doing this anymore. The procedure didn't work the way it was supposed to. His body became septic and he died.

My Grandaddy was the best grandfather to me. When I was little he would drive hours and hours just to come pick me up and take me home to visit with he and my Grandmother. He always bought the best gifts. When I was five he bought me diamond stud earrings (which I still wear today). He bought me two rings with sapphires. I always thought it was so neat that my Grandad would buy me jewelry. He was the only one that would. :)

He would always call me Doll and I loved kissing him on top of his bald head. He'd pick me up from my Grandmother's house to go walking with him by Hartwell Lake. There was a hill that we'd always race up. He told me he'd pay me 100 dollars if I beat him up that hill when I turned 16. He beat me up that hill and still paid me 100 dollars. lol. That's the kind of guy he was. He loved life and he loved to love. He loved fishing, nature walks, dogs (he always had girl dogs which he'd name Lady or Bella), and golf. He was 87 years old when he got cancer and he still wanted to beat it b/c he loved life. Even on his death bed, he fought b/c he wasn't finished living life. Unfortunately, his body lost the fight before his mind did.

I think about him a lot....he was the peacemaker of our family in the end. He was the reason I began talking with my Dad again after being estranged from him for over a year. He reminded me, "We can't choose our family....blood is blood...and you should start talking with your father again b/c you'll regret it later if you don't".

In writing this, I hope to convey the sorrow that goes along with losing someone before that person is truly ready to leave this earth. My Grandfather had a long life and for that I'm thankful...but it was so hard to see him go into the hospital fully functional and not be able to leave. I know he was not ready to stop living and it broke my heart that he didn't get to see more days than he did.

It's time for more cancer awareness and time to find better medicine and less destructive cures.

LiveStrong Day Oct. 2, 2009

Posted by POD on Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I so like the idea of cooking something yellow (eggs, lemons, lemon bars, lemon brownies, lemon pie, lemon chocolate chip cookies, lemon fudge, lemon chocolate pie) to commemorate LIVESTRONG Day 2009 though I am not a food blogger -- still nothing can keep me away from looking and fantasizing over their blogs. LIVESTRONG Day is October 2nd to coincide with the date Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago. Not to be left out, I was diagnosed two years around this same time.

Since Lance's recovery from cancer he has gone on to win le Tour De Frah-hance, France seven times (!) and just this year he came in third place after a four year break. (What the hell have I been doing? cruising graveyards, blogging, disturbing people, -- long list!)

The foodies and winos have been blogging the LIVESTRONG Day for a few years. I'd like to see as many of us cancer/fitness/health/whatever bloggers as possible work unify our blogwork to support LIVESTRONG Day 2009 as well. Because we aren't foodies or winos (admittedly in our blogs), one way to unify is to write a short post on how cancer has effected your (our) life because I have a feeling it has affected many of our lives in one way or another.

Or you can make me some yellow food and send it over!

Blogging this date (and Fridays are notoriously slow blog days) is one way of supporting the Lance Armstrong Foundation by raising awareness of cancer issues world-wide. It is a way for bloggers to share their stories, poignant, devastating, thrilling, celebratory and triumphant. If you haven't been bulldozed by a cancer diagnosis, you can still participate. Write about a friend or post a prayer.

Then stop by my blog and leave a short comment with a link to your post. I'll put all your comments in a chemo-hat and pick 14 names of folks who will *win* a small though significant LAF token of appreciation for helping us come together to commemorate the day.

Sound like an simple deal? It is as long as you don't have a cancer diagnosis!

This online event is an official LIVESTRONG Day event sanctioned by the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

http://janell-sufferingsuccotash.blogspot.com/

Please cut & paste into your own blogspot so others can show their support for LIVESTRONG Day, Oct 2, 2009.

Theme Song

Ok, so if I had a theme song (ya know...the kind of theme song that plays when someone is setting out to do something really cool in a movie), it would be this song. People who know me well, know that I looooove to sing. You will know this too if you've seen some of my older posts in which I've posted songs and my less than wonderful karaoke version of the same songs all in one posting. :) I really wanted to post this b/c it is a positive song. It's basically about letting go of inhibitions (no I don't mean the kind of inhibitions that may include wearing clothes....keep your clothes ON please!) lol. I listen to this song a lot on my MP3 player, but had forgotten that the music video is pretty hilarious. Look for the octopus....hehehe.



Here's the lyrics:

"SING" by TRAVIS

Baby, you've been going so crazy


Lately, nothing seems to be going right

Solo, why do you have to get so low

You're so... You've been waiting in the sun too long



(chorus)

But if you sing, sing

sing, sing, sing, sing

For the love you bring won't mean a thing

Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing



Colder, crying on your shoulder

Hold her, and tell her everythings gonna be fine

Surely, you've been going to early

Hurry, cause no one's gonna be stopped



(chorus)

But if you sing, sing

sing, sing, sing, sing

For the love you bring won't mean a thing

Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing



Baby, there's something going on today

But I say nothing, nothing, nothing,

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

B-day

Today I am officially into the last year of my twenties. For some reason, it's really, really bothering me. I've pretty much been a bummer to be around for the past couple of days. I think I've been reflecting on my life a bit much and while there are many good things I've done in my life...there's still so much I had hoped to accomplish by now. I really hoped to be skinnier. I really hoped to have a better handle on how to do this housewife thing. I really hoped that I would be able to embrace the "with age comes wisdom" thing. I really hoped that I'd learn how to decorate my house. LOL Well...nobody's perfect.
I have decided that in honor of my birthday, that I am going to be good to myself for the WHOLE day. As a mother of two, I truly put myself on the back burner most days. It's not good for me and it's not good for my family. Sometimes, in my opinion, I think SAHM's take on the martyr role and put everyone else ahead of themselves just for the sake of making things run smoothly in their families. I remember my mom doing this. She was still wearing clothes from the 80's in the 90's. She was very plain and unhappy for a long time. I realize I've turned into her...but for my birthday, I vow to eat healthy, kick bad habits, get things done, fix myself up for a change, and not raise my voice to my loved ones. I'm hoping by doing this, I'll realize how good it feels and make more days like this.
And since I've been doing so much reflecting...I'm going to share 29 things I've learned about life so far in my 29 years. :)

1. Forgiveness is essential.
2. Healthy small doses of anger can lead to results but long lasting anger leads to destruction.
3. Do not tell huge secrets to just anyone...yeah, turns out that even the best of friends can wag their tongues a bit much sometimes.
4. Don't tell your life story unless someone really wants to hear it.
5. There's a reason they call it your "highschool figure"...b/c after having kids, your body just doesn't look the same.
6. If you have a gut feeling about something, trust it.
7. Sometimes it's just better to smile and nod when receiving unsolicited advice.
8. Romance is overrated....husband babysitting kids while you take a shower is priceless.
9. Marriage is not for the faint-hearted.
10. Despite the popular trend of "having many partners keeps things exciting", sex can still be great with same person after years and years.
11. Sometimes in the worst of circumstances, you just have to laugh or else you'll go insane.
12. Not all men are pigs.
13. Children are truly the best people in the world. :)
14. If not changed quickly, little boys will play in their own poop.
15. Do not put blinds in a two-year-old boy's room...they will tear them up.
16. Turns out that little girls are really made of sugar and spice and everything nice. :)
17. Children are capable of changing people and teaching people way more than we can teach them most of the time.
18. Listen to people and even when they disapoint you, listen some more.
19. Don't call bad people names b/c you're just stooping to their level when ya do.
20. Hear both sides of the story and then try to gain understanding from both sides.
21. Support your husband (most of the time) even when he's being dumb.
22. My Mom and Dad did the best they could...even if they did mess me up some...I know that they tried to do better than their parents.
23. Try to be a better parent than your own parents.
24. Google is a Mommy-brained person's saviour.
25. It's true what they say...if you don't use your brain, you will lose it! lol
26. Honesty from people is getting rarer everyday, so when someone is finally honest with you...don't beat them up b/c it wasn't what you wanted to hear.
27. People that care for you will tell you the things you don't want to hear but need to hear.
28. Not every situation is black and white....sometimes grey is suitable...so don't judge.
29. Don't be bossy and pushy...turns out that grown-ups hate it just as much as kids do. lol

and one to grow on...
30. Stop being afraid to show people who you are...who gives a crap if they don't like what they see? At the end of the day, you are who you are...and WHO you are is special. Everyone deserves to be heard and seen.....so drum roll please..
This is me....and I will no longer be afraid of my friends and family knowing who I truly am. I'm out of the bloggy closet....(well, a little anyway) I'm still not sure I'll go posting my blog on my Facebook...but this is a start. If they find my blog...oh well. Oh, and my name is Kim by the way. :) Sooo hoping I won't regret this tomorrow. Gulp! LOL

Wisdom From a Nine Year Old

I almost gave my daughter up for adoption. Many people do not know this...or maybe the people that do know have forgotten because in the end it really didn't matter since I kept her. When I first told one of my mentors that I was pregnant, she told me I should consider adoption. She wasn't being cruel, for she knew what it was like to be a pregnant teenager. She had also mentored other pregnant teenagers. She told me, "You're the first one I've mentored that's considered adoption...this will be an interesting experience." I remember this was the only time she ever offended me...speaking of my predicament as if it were going to be a science experiment that she was heading up. I didn't stay offended for long, because I knew that she knew we had the same thing on our minds. I was mentally and verbally abused....what kind of parent would I be especially at the age of 18? She was also afraid that I would expect my child to love me straight out of my womb....a thing she explained to me wouldn't come for a while. I'd be responsible for loving my child.
For many weeks I put off thinking about the end result of my pregnancy. I finally did make the decision to visit a Christian adoption agency....well, I went there to set things up or whatever it is that one does when relinquishing their child. The woman there showed me family books, scrapbooks put together by families desperately wanting a child. I looked at one or two of them. My heart was in my throat and it made it so I could hardly breathe. I looked at the woman square in the face and asked her, "Do you believe every girl who walks through these doors is meant to give up her child?". She sighed sympathetically and said, "No, I certainly do not believe that." I thanked her for her time and shot through the door like a bat out of hell.
During that time, I had been speaking to the wife of one of the ministers at my church. She had been praying for me. One night after service she told me she had someone she wanted me to talk with. I knew something was up. She took me to a dark corner of the sanctuary. There I saw a familiar face of a woman that all knew about was that she had an abortion that messed up her reproductive system permanently and she desperately wanted kids. I sat down in front of her. She said, " I just want you to know (with tears in her eyes), that I just knew that God did this when I heard about you being pregnant. I promise, I'll take good care of your baby...I just want you to think about this." At that point, I thought I was going to blow a gasket. This lady just told me it was God's will for me to give her my child! I went home and my parents were just as angry as I was...although I do admit I felt sorry for the lady.
During my pregnancy, I was constantly insecure about whether I'd be a good mom or not. I'd park my car, cry, and talk to my precious unborn Laurel. I'd contemplate adoption again. I'd apologize to her for already making her life a mess before she was born and apologizing to her for the mess I'd make later. I was bewildered. But....it's funny how becoming a mommy gives you such clarity on what needs to be done. I knew I'd have to learn how to say sorry. It's one thing that none of my family ever did. My dad would never apologize to us after his hurtful words. I just assumed that everything was my fault. I knew I'd have to say sorry. I knew I'd have to learn control.
Well, here in the present...I can honestly say that my child understands that I'm not perfect. That's one thing I always thought about my parents...they didn't apologize...so that must have meant that they were doing everything right. My expectations were too high. So, I always explain to my daughter about the hurtful things my parents would say to me and how those kinds of things tend to come out in me sometimes even though I truly try hard for them not to. I explain how I learned to forgive my parents although, it's never ok for anybody to hurt her with words. I explain to her how I'm constantly trying to better myself and that she can help me by speaking up when I say the wrong things. I found myself in that position today...needing to apologize. Laurel explained how I hurt her feelings and I apologized and explained how truly wretched I feel when I say the wrong things. She smiled and said, " Mommy, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. You'll do better tomorrow and I forgive you." I said, " Wow Laurel, that is so wise...wherever did you learn this?" She says, " I heard it on Kung-Fu-Panda." LOL....from the mouths of babes. I told her thank you for the profound wisdom she shared with me and kissed her good night. I googled this saying and found the full version (modern English since it is an ancient saying apparently). The full quote often reads: "The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
It's amazing to me how wonderfully and fearfully our babies are made. It's good to know that even on my worst days, that God somehow always rings His wisdom loud and clear to me. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I chose to keep my daughter...she teaches me something new everyday.

Political Thoughts (Gulp!)

This started as a reply to a conversation on a different blog. However, I started writing so much I decided to make it into a blog instead. I apologize ahead of time for ranting...but I really liked hearing your opinion and wanted to reply to it. :) Everything I say, is said in respect although sometimes I'm not great with words...just warning ahead of time. hehe
Before I go on I want to put a disclaimer on here. I do not claim to hold a wealth of knowledge on politics. I am pretty simple minded when it comes to politics and pretty much make opinionated observations according to what I see. So, if I get something wrong or sound a bit uneducated about certain issues, let me know, I love to learn. Almost everything I've learned thus far, is because I've educated myself or have been fortunate enough to have willing mentors teach me.
I am a centrist and I found a paragraph that describes my beliefs best.
In politics, centrism usually refers to the political ideal of promoting moderate policies which land in the middle ground between different political extremes. Most commonly, this is visualized as part of the one-dimensional political spectrum of Left-Right politics, with centrism landing in the middle between left-wing politics and right-wing politics. -- Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia (I know it's a pretty self explanatory term but just wanted it on here to clarify)
So, I don't really see myself as a "get government out of our lives" person. I truly do believe there needs to be a combination of the government sector and private sector.
"Our society isn't as altruistic as we'd like to believe...we do need government to step in an make us do the right thing." OK, I do agree that our society is not very altruistic, however, why would society want to be altruistic when it's so easy to go fill out an application and get all the help they need? My mother came from a family of eleven children. Her mother did not drive and her father was an alcoholic. They've been on food stamps and welfare for as long as I can remember. They still are. Many of their children grew up and they are on food stamps and welfare now. What would happen if their help was taken away? How often is the system abused this way and why is it so easy to abuse? Well, my opinion is the more government is involved, the more bloated bureaucracies become, then less and less fruitful decisions are made. So many people need help and get help, and there is not a good accountability system in place to make sure the right people are getting help. I say this from another viewpoint.
I was a teenage single mother. About six months after my daughter was born a friend helped me get a part time job at a dry cleaner that would let me bring my daughter with me to work. I made a little over six dollars and hour. I went to social services to get medicaid and WIC. Where I used to live, when you applied for medicaid they automatically checked to see if you qualified for welfare and food stamps. ( I told the lady I did NOT want to be on food stamps but she had to try anyway) I was a bit surprised. I did not qualify for food stamps. I did not qualify for anything other than WIC and medicaid. However, another single mom friend of mine who did not work DID qualify for medicaid, food stamps, and welfare. Well, she'd get a job for a couple of weeks and quit (this was her habit...see my blog titled "Misti" to read more about her). She did this while being in a privately funded program for single moms who need help to get on their feet and live independently minus government services. Misti got kicked out of the program pretty quick since she wouldn't hold a job...why would she want to work when she already had everything she needed? As for me, I got a better job working long hours, joined a (privately funded) home for single mothers to help me get on my feet, and made my way out into the world where I paid my own bills, paid for insurance, and paid for my own car. I did receive government help with childcare...was very thankful for that program. I felt OK for using it since MY tax dollars were helping to pay for it. How backwards is it when people wanting to work can't get much help but people who won't work can get a lot of help? I have friends now that are struggling b/c of their spouse being laid off. One of my friends will lose her home soon. She called her mortgage company to see what help was available and they told her she couldn't receive help until she went without paying her mortgage for at least a couple of months. LOL!! She was preparing for the future and trying to be a responsible adult but she can't get help until she can't pay..for a while. I may be seeing this wrong...but isn't this backwards? Once upon a time, did't communities help eachother out? What did people do before the government stepped in to help? Did people take care of their own? Did parents take care of their children and did children take care of their parents when they got old? I understand that there were people that weren't taken care of...but maybe a little less of them? I just think that there has to be a line in the middle...somewhere...not too much government not too little. We need more programs that are going to encourage people to take responsibility for their own lives and those of their families.
"What this government does now lays the foundation for their future world, so he should invite their voices and minds into the conversation." On one hand I agree b/c I do believe their voices and minds should be invited into the conversation of their future in this country...most certainly. I never feel like children have a sense of true ownership and pride for their country these days. Obama's speech has the opportunity to spark this in children. However, I believe that as parents and caregivers that WE should be laying the foundation for our children and not rely so heavily on the teachers,celebrities,athletes, music artists and politicians to do this.
This guy dropped out when he was 14 and he's a famous rapper...recruited for Get Schooled. This makes no sense to me.

I agree that there are far more dangerous things to worry about my children seeing and hearing....media setting out to form peoples' opinions, celebrities,etc.I am very watchful over what goes into the ears and eyes of my children. No parent can watch their kid 24-7, but we all can take precaution. I'm also very careful to control how I react to a situation in front of my child. I agree with what someone said, "I'd only venture to add that even with home-schooling you can't control every outside influence that might, as you say, bombard kids with subtle messages. But more potentially insidious, I think, are messages they might get from us parents." I agree with this statement whole-heartily. Because my children are with me the most, I have to be extremely sensitive to the fact that they pay attention to everything I say and do. ALL of we parents have to be careful....bad thought patterns and habits can be passed. I also agree that exposing different ideas to our children rather than just our own, will help them learn to think for themselves. The last thing I want for my children is for them to be robots.

What gives???

Ok, so lastnight I entered my blogspot dashboard to see that I had a new follower...not just any follower...one of my favorite fitness bloggers that I've followed loyally for a while now. I was so flattered and happy to see this person on MY blog. :)
Well, tonight I went to my dashboard as usual to read my favorite blogs. I opened one of the entries for my favorite fitness blogger that I did not get to read lastnight and it says, "It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation." What the heck?? Well, I thought maybe something was wrong on my end so I go back to my dashboard and also see that she's no longer on my follower list anymore. Darn. Crushed. Oh, and by the way...there is no way to contact that blogger. Double darn.
If you read this, Favorite Fitness Blog who lives in Windsor, Ontario (hopefully you know who you are b/c I don't want to post your blog name...b/c I would not want to be rude) please reconsider making a blog club...there's so many of us that are inspired by you that are missing you since you're gone now. :(

Will it affect eternity?

I spend a lot of time in thought. I am busy, but I do have quiet times when I just think. I think about my past, my present, my future and all the people wrapped up into it. Sometimes I like to people watch. When you watch people for a while, you begin to realize that people wear more emotions on the outside than most people realize. It's just a matter of paying attention.
Once upon a time, I didn't do this. I was very wrapped up into my own world and my pain. It was difficult to imagine that anyone else was having bigger problems than myself. It was all about me. I did some pretty self-destructive things back then. I was constantly needing help...needing understanding. I rarely received it at home. I would just whine and complain to my friends. Then, I was blessed enough to meet a few mentors. I had wonderful, strong women come into my life willing to take me on not as a project, but as a daughter...a sister and a friend. These women would open their homes to me. They gave me their time and their honesty. Sometimes, they gave me stern instructions needed for living and for the times when I just didn't get it. When I came to a point in my life that I could finally understand that the world didn't revolve around me and that humbleness truly is a virtue, I began to realize these ladies gave me so much and I had given them nothing...absolutely nothing. I went to one of my mentors and said to her,"You've done so much for me...more than anyone else would have bothered...what can I do to repay you?". She simply told me "Pass it on." I nodded my head to her and began to really think about what she said. I certainly wasn't at a point where I could open up my home to people, and I certainly didn't have much time to spend with someone (I was a single mother at this point). So, I just decided to start paying attention to people. Now, I didn't just all of the sudden realize my purpose in life, start feeding the needy, or volunteer at a soup kitchen. It took many years, many years of me pushing advice on people, judging evil doers, many flopped attempts at helping people to realize that I was doing absolutely no good for the sake of humanity. At one point (and I still struggle with this from time to time), I pretty much lost complete faith that people are good in any amount. It was so easy to look at the actions of people and get sick to my stomach or just get completely angry. It didn't take much; a parent yelling at their kid in the store, someone cutting in front of me in line, people tail gating me, people stealing and laughing about it, gossipers, politicians, preachers, other moms complaining, family members saying hurtful things.
Then one day I heard someone say something that has stuck with me. Will it affect eternity? It means: is it something that is going to affect the progression of humanity in and of itself? Is the action of the other person you are about to judge going to cause an incomprehensible loss or gain for you or anyone else? Are these happenings going to change a course in history? Is it going to have an affect on your afterlife or anybody else's? In the scheme of things...is it something that's really important or life changing? You get my point.
This mantra helped me start seeing people in a different way. Once I could ask this question about actions of people...about myself...I could start looking past the actions and see the person. Most people, even when they are angry and mean, are truly desperate. Sometimes the way they act is the product of no one taking the time to teach them. Sometimes it's people just making dumb mistakes and generational sins being passed down to the new ones, but isn't that what makes us human and our fragility unique? We're all capable of lifting eachother up and totally tearing eachother down. It's all a matter of choices, but at the end of the day, there are reasons behind every poor decision, every less than desireable character trait, and every misfortunate event that happens on this planet. If we take the time to see the emotions behind these choices and ask ourselves if the action of another person is really going to change anything, maybe...just maybe we could all get along better and finally start seeing where we can help others. If we constantly dwell on the annoyances in everyday life, how can we see the big picture? How can we ever begin to come together and start understanding that there are bigger things happening in the world that need attention and that there are people who do need to be held accountable for actions surpassing daily annoyances?
Sure, I still get annoyed and sometimes angry. I still don't understand every action of every person, but I can definitely be confident at the end of the day that I chose to concentrate on the things that truly matter and chose to let the ones that didn't, slip past. I am free to make choices based on the content of the book and not judge the book by its cover. Will tolerance of people affect eternity? Will choosing to just let some things go affect eternity? Will choosing to smile instead of glaring in contempt affect eternity? Will understanding affect eternity? I'd like to think so. If I ever lose my ability to have compassion for others, I pray that the Father takes me home.

P.S.- I'm not a pushover, so please do not cut in front of me in line. :) lol

Song With Great Meaning

I love this song...great meaning. I love The Fray. :)



The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me
Am I already gone?

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna